Monday is the big day. We'll see just how well the varicocelectomy and Clomid are doing for his sperm.
I don't know if I realized it until now, but I think it's been causing me to have a hard time focusing on work. Next week I have a series of presentations I have to give throughout the company, and I feel so underprepared for it. I just haven't been able to focus, though, on pulling everything together.
I know I must sound like a broken record, but I feel like so much hinges on this S/A.
Last week, friends of ours came over and prayed for us. It was such a blessing to see their love for us manifested in that way. I am so grateful to have friends like that. Their prayers made me shed some tears, not going to lie. They were so full of hope and confidence, asking the Lord that he would allow us to conceive naturally, that the results of the S/A would be so positive that it would astound even the doctors. I wish so much that I could believe it the way they seem to, but mostly I am filled with doom and pessimism. At this point, I am ready for the results to be no better than before the treatments, and that we are bound for IVF.
I know God works miracles beyond what we can believe. But the miracles aren't for everyone. Sometimes God chooses for some people to walk a harder path, and that's ok. It doesn't mean that he's unfaithful to them or loves them less. It just means that in His sovereignty and wisdom, He gives us all different paths. I just pray that he would give me acceptance, humility and peace no matter what path he chooses for my husband and me.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Fear
It's slowly and steadily seeping in, and unsettling me.
I have so many what-if's running through my head as we approach the S/A in a couple of weeks:
I'm not feeling overly optimistic. Neither is my husband. For whatever reason, we both don't think the varicocelectomy or the Clomid has helped him. There's no tangible reason we think that. Maybe we're just pessimists.
The S/A is July 25. My 31st birthday is July 28. Either I will be really happy or really sad come my birthday. I am prepared to be really sad, and to that end, I am hoping we can do something nice for my birthday (dinner, a night out) in order to distract me.
I have so many what-if's running through my head as we approach the S/A in a couple of weeks:
- What if it worked and we have lots of sperm but we can't get pregnant on our own?
- What if it turns out I'm the problem? Maybe my eggs are impenetrable or have bad DNA?
- What if we qualify for IUI, but we can't get pregnant?
- What if we have to do IVF? Can I go through with the shots?
- What if it worked and we have lots of sperm but it takes another 12 months to get pregnant on our own? Could I wait that long?
- What if it worked and we have lots of sperm -- should we try naturally or should we just go for the IUI and get it done quickly? But what if we did IUI and ended up with twins (not something I want if it can be helped).
- What if it didn't work? Does that mean I can't leave my job or that we can't move somewhere else because I'd need to have the infertility benefits from my job?
- What if it didn't work? Should we try something else for my husband or move on to IUI/IVF?
I'm not feeling overly optimistic. Neither is my husband. For whatever reason, we both don't think the varicocelectomy or the Clomid has helped him. There's no tangible reason we think that. Maybe we're just pessimists.
The S/A is July 25. My 31st birthday is July 28. Either I will be really happy or really sad come my birthday. I am prepared to be really sad, and to that end, I am hoping we can do something nice for my birthday (dinner, a night out) in order to distract me.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I'm Back
I have to apologize profusely for not being better about updating this blog. The main reason is that there has been no news to report.
The hubby had his surgery to repair his varicoceles in March; he's been on Clomid since February to address the borderline low testosterone, and now we're waiting for our first S/A since either to see what our next steps are. The appointment is July 25.
I must be more anxious and stressed about the S/A than I realize. This cycle will probably end up being around 39 days long, which is definitely on my longer side, and usually happens when I'm stressed out. I just feel like everything hangs in the balance with this S/A. This S/A is going to tell us how we're going to get our babies -- is it going to be through IUI or IVF?? Or might we even be able to conceive naturally?? (A laughable thought, it seems like.) This S/A is going to dictate what the next 6-12 months of my life is going to look like -- can I switch jobs, can we move, are we going to have to worry about money or not?
No pressure.
The one silver lining is that I've been able to get a better grip on the situation emotionally, and I've also been able to be open with a lot more of my friends about what we're going through. The outpour of love and support has been such a blessing. In the process, I've found another IF in real life (been trying for 6 years), and hopefully will get to know her better.
Thanks to all of my blogger friends for reaching out. I've been following all of your journeys, and you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I will try to be better about updating, and will definitely let you know how the S/A turns out.
The hubby had his surgery to repair his varicoceles in March; he's been on Clomid since February to address the borderline low testosterone, and now we're waiting for our first S/A since either to see what our next steps are. The appointment is July 25.
I must be more anxious and stressed about the S/A than I realize. This cycle will probably end up being around 39 days long, which is definitely on my longer side, and usually happens when I'm stressed out. I just feel like everything hangs in the balance with this S/A. This S/A is going to tell us how we're going to get our babies -- is it going to be through IUI or IVF?? Or might we even be able to conceive naturally?? (A laughable thought, it seems like.) This S/A is going to dictate what the next 6-12 months of my life is going to look like -- can I switch jobs, can we move, are we going to have to worry about money or not?
No pressure.
The one silver lining is that I've been able to get a better grip on the situation emotionally, and I've also been able to be open with a lot more of my friends about what we're going through. The outpour of love and support has been such a blessing. In the process, I've found another IF in real life (been trying for 6 years), and hopefully will get to know her better.
Thanks to all of my blogger friends for reaching out. I've been following all of your journeys, and you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I will try to be better about updating, and will definitely let you know how the S/A turns out.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
One Step Forward, Then Two Steps Back
I was doing so well, and then a surprise pregnancy announcement (surprise to me because I didn't realize they were trying) from my college roommate sent me over the edge today. I actually got the news in the afternoon from my other college roommate. As I was making dinner later that evening, I couldn't keep it together. I just sat down and had a good cry.
I'm happy for her, I really am. But why oh why does it have to be so hard for me? And when will it be my turn? The scarier question is -- do I even get a turn? I had to take five minutes tonight to let it all out and just feel sorry for myself. I'd been doing so well, but everyone needs a good pity party at some point, don't they?
I know the Lord has a plan for my life -- I just wish I knew what it was. But I am trusting Him, and knowing that everything will work out for the best, no matter what the outcome.
I'm happy for her, I really am. But why oh why does it have to be so hard for me? And when will it be my turn? The scarier question is -- do I even get a turn? I had to take five minutes tonight to let it all out and just feel sorry for myself. I'd been doing so well, but everyone needs a good pity party at some point, don't they?
I know the Lord has a plan for my life -- I just wish I knew what it was. But I am trusting Him, and knowing that everything will work out for the best, no matter what the outcome.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Varicocelectomy...Check!
Today was my husband's varicocelectomy. It all went well. He's in very minimal pain, which I'm very thankful for. The doctor said there were quite a few varicoceles that they ended up tying off...5 or 6 on each side, some of them quite large. He said -- and I quote -- "I think this will help."
Oh, I really, really hope so!
We have a follow-up appointment next Tuesday.
Oh, I really, really hope so!
We have a follow-up appointment next Tuesday.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Urologist Update and Musings on Life
I've been terrible about updating this blog, I know.
The first thing I should do is fill you in on the follow-up urologist appointment earlier this month. The doctor determined that DH has borderline low testosterone levels, and he has put DH on 50mg of Clomid daily. So far, there has been very minor symptoms...just some bloating and some breakouts. He has a blood test and follow-up appointment in early March to see if his testosterone has gone up. There is about a 30% chance that the Clomid will increase his numbers.
We also decided to do the surgery March 16 to correct his varicoceles. There's a 70% chance that it will improve his sperm. Of that 70%, 50% will go on to impregnate their partners. So there is a 35% chance that it will help us get pregnant.
I hate the numbers game. Because in the end, it's just a game, and no one can tell us whether anything will actually work or not. We could very well end up falling on the wrong side of those odds. But still, I can't help but be hopeful. Between these two treatments options, something's gotta work, right?
I know I was in dire straits not too long ago, and feeling really low about where we were. However, now that we have a treatment plan, I'm starting to feel better about the whole situation. Whether or not that treatment plan will actually work is yet to be seen, but knowing that there is a plan has provided me with a great deal of comfort.
In addition, our infertility has created a couple of interesting, overlapping ripple effects in my life, ripple effects which have made me think long and hard about my life in whole.
First is -- I've started thinking about my career path. I don't know if I'd ever taken my career seriously because in the back of my head, I'd always hoped to be a stay-at-home mom when I had kids. So every job I've taken to this point has been with the caveat that I'd work there until I had kids. Not that it would be guaranteed that DH would even be able to make enough money to support us on a single income, but still. That was always the plan.
Now I'm realizing that plan is shot. Or, rather, it's delayed indefinitely.
So lately I've been thinking, oh crap now what?
And I'm beginning to wonder if the field I'm in is really the field I want to be in. I somehow ended up in the field because I was good at it, and the money was good. But it's not what I'm passionate about. It's definitely not what I would have said I wanted to end up doing if you had asked me nine years ago right out of college. Yet here I am.
About a month ago, our team re-organized, and I was moved out from under my boss, and am now reporting directly to my boss's boss. It's an honor, and an unofficial promotion of sorts. But the added responsibility has made me realize that I'm going to be hard-pressed to move up any further in the organization if this isn't the work I really want to be doing. Because the lack of passion is going to end up showing. Or else, I'll just make myself miserable in order to succeed because I'm a people pleaser, and I can't bear to let anyone down.
Then I started thinking about what I really want to do. And I keep going back to -- I want to be a writer. It's been my dream ever since high school, one that I started to carry out in college when I completed the Creative Writing program. It's a scary profession to go into because it's lonely and uncertain and can be largely thankless. And yet, I can't escape the desire to write and express myself through words and stories.
I haven't been writing creatively for several years at this point. I had actually quit a previous job five years ago in order to be a writer full time. But that failed miserably, and I ended up getting a normal job again and attempted to bury the writing bug and move on with my adult life.
But now I'm wondering if perhaps I failed for a couple of reasons. One, the best way to fail at something is to announce your intentions publicly. I think I set myself up for failure in some sense. Two, I was in my mid-twenties, young, and inexperienced at life. And this is where the infertility comes in. Because of my infertility, I feel like I've experienced more pain and more want than I have to date in my young life. I finally have something to write about.
And that's part of why I have been bad about blogging. I've actually been spending a lot of my free time writing creatively, and seeing what will come. I'm glad to say that I may actually be able to put my infertility to some good and productive use. Who knew?
The first thing I should do is fill you in on the follow-up urologist appointment earlier this month. The doctor determined that DH has borderline low testosterone levels, and he has put DH on 50mg of Clomid daily. So far, there has been very minor symptoms...just some bloating and some breakouts. He has a blood test and follow-up appointment in early March to see if his testosterone has gone up. There is about a 30% chance that the Clomid will increase his numbers.
We also decided to do the surgery March 16 to correct his varicoceles. There's a 70% chance that it will improve his sperm. Of that 70%, 50% will go on to impregnate their partners. So there is a 35% chance that it will help us get pregnant.
I hate the numbers game. Because in the end, it's just a game, and no one can tell us whether anything will actually work or not. We could very well end up falling on the wrong side of those odds. But still, I can't help but be hopeful. Between these two treatments options, something's gotta work, right?
I know I was in dire straits not too long ago, and feeling really low about where we were. However, now that we have a treatment plan, I'm starting to feel better about the whole situation. Whether or not that treatment plan will actually work is yet to be seen, but knowing that there is a plan has provided me with a great deal of comfort.
In addition, our infertility has created a couple of interesting, overlapping ripple effects in my life, ripple effects which have made me think long and hard about my life in whole.
First is -- I've started thinking about my career path. I don't know if I'd ever taken my career seriously because in the back of my head, I'd always hoped to be a stay-at-home mom when I had kids. So every job I've taken to this point has been with the caveat that I'd work there until I had kids. Not that it would be guaranteed that DH would even be able to make enough money to support us on a single income, but still. That was always the plan.
Now I'm realizing that plan is shot. Or, rather, it's delayed indefinitely.
So lately I've been thinking, oh crap now what?
And I'm beginning to wonder if the field I'm in is really the field I want to be in. I somehow ended up in the field because I was good at it, and the money was good. But it's not what I'm passionate about. It's definitely not what I would have said I wanted to end up doing if you had asked me nine years ago right out of college. Yet here I am.
About a month ago, our team re-organized, and I was moved out from under my boss, and am now reporting directly to my boss's boss. It's an honor, and an unofficial promotion of sorts. But the added responsibility has made me realize that I'm going to be hard-pressed to move up any further in the organization if this isn't the work I really want to be doing. Because the lack of passion is going to end up showing. Or else, I'll just make myself miserable in order to succeed because I'm a people pleaser, and I can't bear to let anyone down.
Then I started thinking about what I really want to do. And I keep going back to -- I want to be a writer. It's been my dream ever since high school, one that I started to carry out in college when I completed the Creative Writing program. It's a scary profession to go into because it's lonely and uncertain and can be largely thankless. And yet, I can't escape the desire to write and express myself through words and stories.
I haven't been writing creatively for several years at this point. I had actually quit a previous job five years ago in order to be a writer full time. But that failed miserably, and I ended up getting a normal job again and attempted to bury the writing bug and move on with my adult life.
But now I'm wondering if perhaps I failed for a couple of reasons. One, the best way to fail at something is to announce your intentions publicly. I think I set myself up for failure in some sense. Two, I was in my mid-twenties, young, and inexperienced at life. And this is where the infertility comes in. Because of my infertility, I feel like I've experienced more pain and more want than I have to date in my young life. I finally have something to write about.
And that's part of why I have been bad about blogging. I've actually been spending a lot of my free time writing creatively, and seeing what will come. I'm glad to say that I may actually be able to put my infertility to some good and productive use. Who knew?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Midweek Update
The quick update: we have a follow-up appointment with the urologist on Friday where we get all of DH's bloodwork results. At that point, we also talk about next steps and treatment options. Both DH and I are pretty nervous about this, but have tried not to swell on it too much. If you could keep us in your thoughts and prayers, we'd really appreciate it!
Next, I finally made an appointment with a Christian counselor in town to talk through my struggles with infertility. I've been a blubbering mess these past couple of weeks, especially on the weekends when I don't have work distracting me and I have all day to stew and think about infertility. I'm looking forward to the time to vent and get some biblical insight.
On top of infertility, I've also been facing work stress. Plus, we're thinking of moving across the country. We haven't been all that happy in this area for the past year -- can't figure out how much of this is due to infertility, but we'd been saying for a long while, even before we were TTC, that we didn't think we wanted to stay in this area long term. The only downside, and this is pretty major, is that we'd be moving very far away from our families.
So, where are we thinking of moving? San Francisco! I don't know about them earthquakes, but it makes sense based on DH's career aspirations to be in that area. For me, I would just love to partake in all of the delicious Asian food and the balmy weather! I'm getting sick of the snow and ice!
Next, I finally made an appointment with a Christian counselor in town to talk through my struggles with infertility. I've been a blubbering mess these past couple of weeks, especially on the weekends when I don't have work distracting me and I have all day to stew and think about infertility. I'm looking forward to the time to vent and get some biblical insight.
On top of infertility, I've also been facing work stress. Plus, we're thinking of moving across the country. We haven't been all that happy in this area for the past year -- can't figure out how much of this is due to infertility, but we'd been saying for a long while, even before we were TTC, that we didn't think we wanted to stay in this area long term. The only downside, and this is pretty major, is that we'd be moving very far away from our families.
So, where are we thinking of moving? San Francisco! I don't know about them earthquakes, but it makes sense based on DH's career aspirations to be in that area. For me, I would just love to partake in all of the delicious Asian food and the balmy weather! I'm getting sick of the snow and ice!
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