...and the countdown to IUI will begin shortly.
I am not even counting this month as a possibility although we are trying on our own. Technically, I'm ovulating right about now. But it hasn't worked for us these past several years. I don't see a reason to start hoping now that we will get pregnant.
But that darned hope...it always wants to rear its head. I am on thyroid medication, and part of me is wondering if that's what I need in order to get pregnant on my own. Trying not to get my hopes up because they have been beat down very quickly whenever I have allowed them to.
Given this timing, I should be starting the IUI process in another two weeks.
Yikes. I can't believe this is going to be happening.
If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, and I'm not sure if I want to move onto IVF, at least not right away. My husband and I are contemplating a cross-country move, and I think we would tackle that first before we would tackle IVF.
Yeah, that's the thing. We're thinking of making a big move in our lives, really uprooting ourselves and flipping our worlds upside down. But the unknown is whether or not we will be able to get pregnant. If we do, we will probably stick around this area for a while for the insurance benefits (because who knows if/when I'll get a job out there, and what the health/maternity benefits would look like). I am more ok with staying put, but my husband is really itching to go. Part of me is scared that I'm holding him back, that the idea of a baby is holding him back, and that he doesn't really want to get pregnant. Part of me doesn't want to get pregnant either. If you can believe that, I am feeling ambivalent now about the whole matter. I see how much easier life would be if we didn't have to figure out the logistics of having a kid. How ironic is that.
We've tried seeing each scenario to its logical conclusion. Get pregnant now and then deal with moving cross country with a baby -- not easy. Wait to get pregnant, move, and then try to get pregnant a year or two older than I already am -- not ideal. We're thinking ourselves into knots and getting more and more angst about it the more we think about it. I think it's true that there is never a good time, so I say we go for it now.
It just goes to show that nothing on this earth will ever make us happy. As an infertile, I feel like I'm chasing the mantle of motherhood. But when I get it, will it complete me or make me happy forever? I doubt it. It reminds me that nothing can satisfy except the Lord Himself. While my mind believes that, my heart doesn't. My heart is telling me I will be happy if I have a baby.
Please God, help my unbelief.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Let's Get This Show On the Road
I finally have some news to report.
After trying on our own for several more months on the Chinese herbs, and then stopping that and just trying on our own, we have decided to move on to Clomid + IUI.
I am disappointed that the Chinese herbs didn't work. I wonder if maybe I just didn't take them for long enough (the doctor thought I had some serious issues). Or maybe it was because DH refused to take them with me, and he's 50% of the issue. I guess you can always look back and wonder, but I'm trying to move forward, not backward.
I had also hoped that we might get pregnant on our own since DH's count was now in the well-above normal range. But that was not to be either.
So here we are, actually giving the fertility treatments a go. I don't know why it's such a big deal to me. So many folks have jumped right into treatments and it's worked just fine for them. But for me, I guess it symbolizes some sort of failing in us to do what so many people seem to do quite naturally and without issue.
But even more than that, it's me finally resorting to "our last ditch effort." And this scares me because if this doesn't work, then we have nothing left. And then I will be finally faced with a life far different than what I had imagined and hoped and dreamed of ever since I was little. It's too scary to contemplate, so I won't for now. One step at a time.
Anyway, I went to my RE at the end of August, and we figured out a plan, plus I had some blood work done.
Let's talk about the blood work. I thought I had no issues, fit as a whistle. I'd had a physical already in May and there were no problems except for low Vitamin D which is common. Turns out I have issues with high cholesterol (including high bad cholesterol), slightly under active thyroid, and being pre-diabetic. WTF? It would have been nice if my regular doctor had mentioned these issues! My RE assured me that these are not issues to be concerned with because they tend to be stricter on people trying to get pregnant than people who aren't (which is probably why my regular doctor didn't mention these things to me). But I'm not gonna lie -- I'm worried.
He has put me on some thyroid meds, and I'm meeting with a nutritionist at the clinic to help with my other issues. Because of these issues, we decided to push off starting the IUI's until October. (We were originally scheduled to start in September.)
Part of me is relieved because I really don't want to do treatments just yet, and part of me is just itching to get going.
For now, I'm working with Dr. Google to strengthen my diet and help me with the cholesterol and diabetes issues. But it's frustrating. I became a vegetarian four months ago, and I think I eat a pretty healthy diet as it is. I don't know what more I can do!
Stay tuned for more to come.
After trying on our own for several more months on the Chinese herbs, and then stopping that and just trying on our own, we have decided to move on to Clomid + IUI.
I am disappointed that the Chinese herbs didn't work. I wonder if maybe I just didn't take them for long enough (the doctor thought I had some serious issues). Or maybe it was because DH refused to take them with me, and he's 50% of the issue. I guess you can always look back and wonder, but I'm trying to move forward, not backward.
I had also hoped that we might get pregnant on our own since DH's count was now in the well-above normal range. But that was not to be either.
So here we are, actually giving the fertility treatments a go. I don't know why it's such a big deal to me. So many folks have jumped right into treatments and it's worked just fine for them. But for me, I guess it symbolizes some sort of failing in us to do what so many people seem to do quite naturally and without issue.
But even more than that, it's me finally resorting to "our last ditch effort." And this scares me because if this doesn't work, then we have nothing left. And then I will be finally faced with a life far different than what I had imagined and hoped and dreamed of ever since I was little. It's too scary to contemplate, so I won't for now. One step at a time.
Anyway, I went to my RE at the end of August, and we figured out a plan, plus I had some blood work done.
Let's talk about the blood work. I thought I had no issues, fit as a whistle. I'd had a physical already in May and there were no problems except for low Vitamin D which is common. Turns out I have issues with high cholesterol (including high bad cholesterol), slightly under active thyroid, and being pre-diabetic. WTF? It would have been nice if my regular doctor had mentioned these issues! My RE assured me that these are not issues to be concerned with because they tend to be stricter on people trying to get pregnant than people who aren't (which is probably why my regular doctor didn't mention these things to me). But I'm not gonna lie -- I'm worried.
He has put me on some thyroid meds, and I'm meeting with a nutritionist at the clinic to help with my other issues. Because of these issues, we decided to push off starting the IUI's until October. (We were originally scheduled to start in September.)
Part of me is relieved because I really don't want to do treatments just yet, and part of me is just itching to get going.
For now, I'm working with Dr. Google to strengthen my diet and help me with the cholesterol and diabetes issues. But it's frustrating. I became a vegetarian four months ago, and I think I eat a pretty healthy diet as it is. I don't know what more I can do!
Stay tuned for more to come.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Thinking Ahead
I reached out to my RE today to see what his thoughts are on a natural IUI. My Chinese medicine doctor (Dr. S) advised me to go down this route, even right away if I wanted. He said there was no reason to wait.
This was sort of encouraging to hear. Our plan has always been to pursue IUI once my health was in good shape according to Dr. S. However, one of the things he did emphasize was the fact that the IUI be natural -- no ovulation induction drugs like Clomid. He feels like this is very damaging to the body's health.
My next question to Dr. S was -- well, my periods are irregular, so how would we be able to time the IUI without the drugs? He said was that the trigger shot is ok to do, and a small pay-off to help the sperm get to where they need to be. One of the things he speculated was that perhaps since my husband has been working very hard and been very stressed out as of late, that his sperm might be having a hard time getting where they need to go. So IUI might help us.
By the way, my irregular/long cycles are one of the things we're working on together. I'm hoping to get my periods to a beautiful 28-29 day cycle. Right now, they're on the long side, between an average of 33 to 39 days. I've been taking Chinese herbs for about two cycles. My first cycle was 36 days long (typical for me). My second and most recent cycle was 30 days long, which is quite a miracle for me. I am hopeful that the next few cycles will keep trending towards 28-30 days.
It's funny how before I was TTC, I loved my long cycles because it meant I dealt with my period less, and now they can't come frequently enough!
That's the latest scoop. I am thinking that if we're not pregnant by May/June, we will pursue natural IUI at this point. My husband has a huge project he's finishing in March (hopefully), and then we'll have a month or two after that to recover and maybe try to get pregnant on our own. Also, by that time, I'll hopefully be much healthier according to Dr. S. And then any IUI we tried would only have that much more of a chance of being successful.
So while we aren't pregnant yet, it does feel good to have a plan in place. I guess that's all I can ask for for now.
This was sort of encouraging to hear. Our plan has always been to pursue IUI once my health was in good shape according to Dr. S. However, one of the things he did emphasize was the fact that the IUI be natural -- no ovulation induction drugs like Clomid. He feels like this is very damaging to the body's health.
My next question to Dr. S was -- well, my periods are irregular, so how would we be able to time the IUI without the drugs? He said was that the trigger shot is ok to do, and a small pay-off to help the sperm get to where they need to be. One of the things he speculated was that perhaps since my husband has been working very hard and been very stressed out as of late, that his sperm might be having a hard time getting where they need to go. So IUI might help us.
By the way, my irregular/long cycles are one of the things we're working on together. I'm hoping to get my periods to a beautiful 28-29 day cycle. Right now, they're on the long side, between an average of 33 to 39 days. I've been taking Chinese herbs for about two cycles. My first cycle was 36 days long (typical for me). My second and most recent cycle was 30 days long, which is quite a miracle for me. I am hopeful that the next few cycles will keep trending towards 28-30 days.
It's funny how before I was TTC, I loved my long cycles because it meant I dealt with my period less, and now they can't come frequently enough!
That's the latest scoop. I am thinking that if we're not pregnant by May/June, we will pursue natural IUI at this point. My husband has a huge project he's finishing in March (hopefully), and then we'll have a month or two after that to recover and maybe try to get pregnant on our own. Also, by that time, I'll hopefully be much healthier according to Dr. S. And then any IUI we tried would only have that much more of a chance of being successful.
So while we aren't pregnant yet, it does feel good to have a plan in place. I guess that's all I can ask for for now.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sorry It's Been So Freaking Long
I've been struggling to post, as you can tell. No, it's not that I'm pregnant and have abandoned this blog in my euphoria (I wish). Just not much to talk about.
Oh, except that my husband's sperm is now off the charts! Take a look at the stats to your right. He had his varicocelectomy last March, and nearly a year later, his urologist has declared him in the normal/average range of sperm count! It has truly been God's blessing that he went from 6 million per cc to 72 million per cc, from 20% motility to 75% motility. His doctor and our RE have both said that they've hardly ever seen improvement this good.
So while I don't want to downplay that, the other end of the spectrum is...we're still not pregnant.
It's hard for me to process the dichotomy between my husband's good news and our lack of baby. It makes me wonder -- what's wrong with us?
It could be that nothing is wrong. Even "normal" couples have a 10% - 15% chance of getting pregnant each cycle at our age.
But according to my doctor of Chinese medicine (who is actually a white Jewish man, funny enough), he believes that there is something wrong me.
So let me get you caught up here. I've been seeing this doc for about two months now, taking herbs daily, no acupuncture (according to him, herbs are 90% of the treatment and acupuncture 10%). After checking my pulse and tongue, he has declared me deficient in the Ying state of things. Some of my symptoms are that I'm always tired and cold, my heartbeat is faint and erratic, and my tongue doesn't look healthy. He believes that the herbs will help bring up my overall health which will help me to get pregnant.
I am a mix of skeptic and believer. I will say that since I've been taking the herbs, I've felt 10 times more energetic than normal. I also don't feel so cold all the time. I didn't realize that my state of being before wasn't normal because I'd lived with it for so long. It has been amazing to feel better overall, and even if I don't get pregnant from the herbs, I'm just thankful for how they have boosted my overall sense of well being.
So that's where we are, my friends. Generally speaking, I will say that I've been feeling more positive than I was this time last year. I just have this feeling that deep down, this journey is coming to an end for me soon. I'm closing out Year 2 of infertility in another month, and if you look at the other infertiles I've been following, the general window of trying is about 3 years before they succeed.
I can't help but feel that this year is going to be my year. I pray it for myself and for you too, my fellow infertiles.
Oh, except that my husband's sperm is now off the charts! Take a look at the stats to your right. He had his varicocelectomy last March, and nearly a year later, his urologist has declared him in the normal/average range of sperm count! It has truly been God's blessing that he went from 6 million per cc to 72 million per cc, from 20% motility to 75% motility. His doctor and our RE have both said that they've hardly ever seen improvement this good.
So while I don't want to downplay that, the other end of the spectrum is...we're still not pregnant.
It's hard for me to process the dichotomy between my husband's good news and our lack of baby. It makes me wonder -- what's wrong with us?
It could be that nothing is wrong. Even "normal" couples have a 10% - 15% chance of getting pregnant each cycle at our age.
But according to my doctor of Chinese medicine (who is actually a white Jewish man, funny enough), he believes that there is something wrong me.
So let me get you caught up here. I've been seeing this doc for about two months now, taking herbs daily, no acupuncture (according to him, herbs are 90% of the treatment and acupuncture 10%). After checking my pulse and tongue, he has declared me deficient in the Ying state of things. Some of my symptoms are that I'm always tired and cold, my heartbeat is faint and erratic, and my tongue doesn't look healthy. He believes that the herbs will help bring up my overall health which will help me to get pregnant.
I am a mix of skeptic and believer. I will say that since I've been taking the herbs, I've felt 10 times more energetic than normal. I also don't feel so cold all the time. I didn't realize that my state of being before wasn't normal because I'd lived with it for so long. It has been amazing to feel better overall, and even if I don't get pregnant from the herbs, I'm just thankful for how they have boosted my overall sense of well being.
So that's where we are, my friends. Generally speaking, I will say that I've been feeling more positive than I was this time last year. I just have this feeling that deep down, this journey is coming to an end for me soon. I'm closing out Year 2 of infertility in another month, and if you look at the other infertiles I've been following, the general window of trying is about 3 years before they succeed.
I can't help but feel that this year is going to be my year. I pray it for myself and for you too, my fellow infertiles.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Random Thoughts
I'm not sure if I ovulated this cycle because I was battling a virus at that time. Kind of thinking I didn't. Oh well, not that our chances were very good anyway.
Next Tuesday, my husband goes in for his 2nd S/A since his varicoceles repair. I haven't thought about it too much to be frank. Just trying to keep myself occupied otherwise, I guess. I don't want to have to deal with the worry. Don't want to have to worry about our next steps.
I am breaking out like crazy. It's pretty annoying. My face thinks I am still a teenager. :(
I had a clarity moment tonight where I just told God in my heart that I would trust his timing. I feel like I can do that at least for today. I don't what I'll feel like tomorrow, but I think I can at least manage that today. And it's all about one day at a time, isn't it?
P.S. I finished Season 6 of 24. I'm pretty burnt out on that show right now. Going to take a break!
Next Tuesday, my husband goes in for his 2nd S/A since his varicoceles repair. I haven't thought about it too much to be frank. Just trying to keep myself occupied otherwise, I guess. I don't want to have to deal with the worry. Don't want to have to worry about our next steps.
I am breaking out like crazy. It's pretty annoying. My face thinks I am still a teenager. :(
I had a clarity moment tonight where I just told God in my heart that I would trust his timing. I feel like I can do that at least for today. I don't what I'll feel like tomorrow, but I think I can at least manage that today. And it's all about one day at a time, isn't it?
P.S. I finished Season 6 of 24. I'm pretty burnt out on that show right now. Going to take a break!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Did I Miss It??
Ovulation time always makes me a little neurotic under normal circumstances.
I'm doing some combination of OPK's, checking my BBT, feeling up my boobs (the nipples get sore around ovulation), checking CM. All while trying to remain very casual because -- you know -- I'll get pregnant the moment I just relax.
I went to the doctor today because I've had some bug that I just can't shake. My doctor thinks it's viral, and that I just need some R&R. So that means I have no idea what that will do to my ovulation timetable. And this is making me a little crazy because my husband is leaving for a business trip this coming Sunday, and I don't want to miss our window this month! Then again, what if I already ovulated and I just don't know it because of this stupid bug?!
Seriously, I need some help calming down the crazy bubbling up inside. I just try to remind myself that it hasn't been working for months. If I miss another month, what's the difference?
What do you do to stay calm while you're waiting to ovulate?
I'm doing some combination of OPK's, checking my BBT, feeling up my boobs (the nipples get sore around ovulation), checking CM. All while trying to remain very casual because -- you know -- I'll get pregnant the moment I just relax.
I went to the doctor today because I've had some bug that I just can't shake. My doctor thinks it's viral, and that I just need some R&R. So that means I have no idea what that will do to my ovulation timetable. And this is making me a little crazy because my husband is leaving for a business trip this coming Sunday, and I don't want to miss our window this month! Then again, what if I already ovulated and I just don't know it because of this stupid bug?!
Seriously, I need some help calming down the crazy bubbling up inside. I just try to remind myself that it hasn't been working for months. If I miss another month, what's the difference?
What do you do to stay calm while you're waiting to ovulate?
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Waiting Around
I am supposed to be ovulating in the next day or two, but it looks like I'll be delayed this cycle. I've become a pro at monitoring CM, so I'm pretty good at figuring out when I'll be ovulating. I hope this doesn't turn into one of those 38, 39 day cycles. Those are the worst because I don't end up ovulating until day 24 or 25.
Ugh.
Whenever I get stressed, that's what happens. I ovulate super late. The only thing I have to be stressed about this month is my husband's upcoming 6-month checkup post his varicocelectomy. And although I don't think I'm stressed out about it, I may subconsciously be.
Oh, and I have been sick lately. Caught a minor head cold. I've been on the mend, but I've been coughing like crazy. Doesn't being sick delay your ovulation?
Ugh.
Whenever I get stressed, that's what happens. I ovulate super late. The only thing I have to be stressed about this month is my husband's upcoming 6-month checkup post his varicocelectomy. And although I don't think I'm stressed out about it, I may subconsciously be.
Oh, and I have been sick lately. Caught a minor head cold. I've been on the mend, but I've been coughing like crazy. Doesn't being sick delay your ovulation?
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