We're Up To Bat Again

This is my week.  The week of the big O.

My cycles have slowly started getting longer and longer the longer I've been off birth control.  Whereas I was first ovulating on Day 15 or 16, now I'm ovulating around Day 20 or 22.  It's been a bummer adding a week to my cycle.  When you're TTC, that can feel like ages.

So this is the week when I'm supposed to be getting it on.  The only problem is that I may not ovulate until beginning of next week.  The reason that that's a problem is that on Sunday my husband is leaving on a business trip, one that cannot be avoided unfortunately.  We'll try, but we're not stressing it too much.  What am I going to do if the timing's not right?  I said to him that it feels like we're trying to throw a three pointer from half court.  We're just operating on foolish hope this month.

Maybe it's our circumstances this month, but the longer we've been trying, the more blase I get about our "try" week.  When we first started out, we were doing it every day around the time of ovulation.  That went on a few months until we realized we couldn't keep up that kind of pace.  Last month it was every other day which was a much better pace.

Regardless of whether it was every day or every other day, I'd been absolutely convinced that we had to do it on the day of ovulation in order to conceive.  And not just the day of ovulation, but the morning of, so that I was sure the sperm would be in place and ready when that magic egg rolled down the chute.

Now, I'm just realizing if that's how people are supposed to get pregnant, then I'll never get pregnant.  I'll never be able to orchestra my timing that perfectly.  And if we have to be that precise, then there are probably larger issues at play, ones that are beyond my control and probably belong in the hands of a specialist.  So at this point, I am just hoping that nature will take its course.

Part of the reason I'm so blase is that it doesn't matter either way whether I try or don't try.  When I try (all of the charting and calculated sex and calendar watching), nothing happens.  Which leads me to think that all of the planning and worrying don't seem to help anything along.  So why waste the energy?

Am I losing hope or letting go into God's hands?  Maybe a little of both.  I am just getting so tired of the heartache and the frustration and the worry when I get my period every month.  It's been such an emotional rollercoaster these past six months.  I want to let it go and give it to the Lord.  I can't do this on my own.