Sunday, September 23, 2012

October is Almost Here

...and the countdown to IUI will begin shortly.

I am not even counting this month as a possibility although we are trying on our own.  Technically, I'm ovulating right about now.  But it hasn't worked for us these past several years.  I don't see a reason to start hoping now that we will get pregnant.

But that darned always wants to rear its head.  I am on thyroid medication, and part of me is wondering if that's what I need in order to get pregnant on my own.  Trying not to get my hopes up because they have been beat down very quickly whenever I have allowed them to.

Given this timing, I should be starting the IUI process in another two weeks.

Yikes.  I can't believe this is going to be happening.

If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, and I'm not sure if I want to move onto IVF, at least not right away.  My husband and I are contemplating a cross-country move, and I think we would tackle that first before we would tackle IVF.

Yeah, that's the thing.  We're thinking of making a big move in our lives, really uprooting ourselves and flipping our worlds upside down.  But the unknown is whether or not we will be able to get pregnant.  If we do, we will probably stick around this area for a while for the insurance benefits (because who knows if/when I'll get a job out there, and what the health/maternity benefits would look like).  I am more ok with staying put, but my husband is really itching to go.  Part of me is scared that I'm holding him back, that the idea of a baby is holding him back, and that he doesn't really want to get pregnant.  Part of me doesn't want to get pregnant either.  If you can believe that, I am feeling ambivalent now about the whole matter.  I see how much easier life would be if we didn't have to figure out the logistics of having a kid.  How ironic is that.

We've tried seeing each scenario to its logical conclusion.  Get pregnant now and then deal with moving cross country with a baby -- not easy.  Wait to get pregnant, move, and then try to get pregnant a year or two older than I already am -- not ideal.  We're thinking ourselves into knots and getting more and more angst about it the more we think about it.  I think it's true that there is never a good time, so I say we go for it now.

It just goes to show that nothing on this earth will ever make us happy.  As an infertile, I feel like I'm chasing the mantle of motherhood.  But when I get it, will it complete me or make me happy forever?  I doubt it.  It reminds me that nothing can satisfy except the Lord Himself.  While my mind believes that, my heart doesn't.  My heart is telling me I will be happy if I have a baby.

Please God, help my unbelief.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Let's Get This Show On the Road

I finally have some news to report.

After trying on our own for several more months on the Chinese herbs, and then stopping that and just trying on our own, we have decided to move on to Clomid + IUI.

I am disappointed that the Chinese herbs didn't work.  I wonder if maybe I just didn't take them for long enough (the doctor thought I had some serious issues).  Or maybe it was because DH refused to take them with me, and he's 50% of the issue.  I guess you can always look back and wonder, but I'm trying to move forward, not backward.

I had also hoped that we might get pregnant on our own since DH's count was now in the well-above normal range.  But that was not to be either.

So here we are, actually giving the fertility treatments a go.  I don't know why it's such a big deal to me.  So many folks have jumped right into treatments and it's worked just fine for them.  But for me, I guess it symbolizes some sort of failing in us to do what so many people seem to do quite naturally and without issue.

But even more than that, it's me finally resorting to "our last ditch effort."  And this scares me because if this doesn't work, then we have nothing left.  And then I will be finally faced with a life far different than what I had imagined and hoped and dreamed of ever since I was little. It's too scary to contemplate, so I won't for now.  One step at a time.

Anyway, I went to my RE at the end of August, and we figured out a plan, plus I had some blood work done.

Let's talk about the blood work.  I thought I had no issues, fit as a whistle.  I'd had a physical already in May and there were no problems except for low Vitamin D which is common.  Turns out I have issues with high cholesterol (including high bad cholesterol), slightly under active thyroid, and being pre-diabetic.  WTF?  It would have been nice if my regular doctor had mentioned these issues!  My RE assured me that these are not issues to be concerned with because they tend to be stricter on people trying to get pregnant than people who aren't (which is probably why my regular doctor didn't mention these things to me).  But I'm not gonna lie -- I'm worried.

He has put me on some thyroid meds, and I'm meeting with a nutritionist at the clinic to help with my other issues.  Because of these issues, we decided to push off starting the IUI's until October.  (We were originally scheduled to start in September.)

Part of me is relieved because I really don't want to do treatments just yet, and part of me is just itching to get going.

For now, I'm working with Dr. Google to strengthen my diet and help me with the cholesterol and diabetes issues.  But it's frustrating.  I became a vegetarian four months ago, and I think I eat a pretty healthy diet as it is.  I don't know what more I can do!

Stay tuned for more to come.