Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Getting Ready for Scan #2

Tomorrow I go back in for a second scan.  Hopefully everything is measuring on track.

Honestly, I am not as nervous as I was last time.  Probably because there was a heartbeat already.  But even more than that, nausea has been kicking my butt this past week.  It's a good sign that something is going on in there, I hope!

I was prescribed Zofran to take if I needed it.  It's a medication that is prescribed to cancer patients who are fighting nausea from chemo.  My RE assures me that it is totally safe; in fact, he encourages me to take it to "take the edge off."  I have taken about 4 pills since last week, only when I can't take the nausea anymore, and I am beating myself up/freaking out over it.

I have been Googling message boards (bad idea) and reading about women who think their babies' defects are a result of Zofran.  These ladies are saying that their babies were born without arms or other limbs, or that they were born with heart defects.  To be fair, as many women that say that, there are an equal number who said they popped them throughout their pregnancy and had perfectly healthy babies.

But then I start thinking about back to the 50s and 60s and how pregnant women drank and smoked all the time while they were pregnant.  In fact, a friend of mine, his mom was told by her doctor to smoke a cigarette a day to keep his weight down in the womb (she was prone to delivering very large babies).  Although doctors mean well, we know they're not infallible.

I am really trying to stay calm, and tell myself not to worry.  But it's hard not to.  And it's been hard not to take the medication, especially when I need it to get into work, or I can't keep food/fluids down otherwise.

In a way, this has been a good distraction from worrying about whether the baby is still alive or not in there...which is still a real worry of mine as well.  Guess we'll see what tomorrow yields.  I will keep you all posted.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Sigh of Relief

We had our first scan yesterday, and everything went great!

Cue big sigh of relief.

The baby was measuring right on track at 6w2d, and had a heartbeat of 114 bpm.  The doc said the heartbeat would get even stronger over time.  We have a follow-up scan next week.

I really can't believe this is happening sometimes.  I have such mixed feelings sometimes, almost like a survivor's guilt.  Like -- why me??  There are so many people who struggle for so much longer, go through so many more treatments, who don't get to where we are for a very long time, if ever.  We got off easy, all things considered.  I am extremely grateful for the Lord's goodness to me in this situation.

I also can't let myself be too happy yet.  I wonder all the time when I will let myself be happy, if I ever will during this pregnancy.  Or will I just worry all the way to the end?  I told myself after the first heartbeat, I would let myself be happy.  But now I'm saying, eight weeks.  I'm sure at eight weeks, I'll say once I hit the end of the first trimester.  Is this the curse of the infertile?  Sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Symptoms wise, I've hit the dread nausea phase.  It started this past week, and was horrible Saturday and Sunday (vomiting to the point where I'm just dry heaving because there is nothing left in my stomach, not even bile).  It calmed down earlier this week, and I broke down at the urging of my RE and took some Zofran yesterday for the nausea.  Aw, sweet relief.  I feel like such a bad and weak mommy, taking the meds, but they made such a difference.  Still, I'm trying to be grateful for even the nausea knowing that it means there is something going on inside of me, that the hormones are kicking up dust and doing their thing and allowing my baby to grow.

Other than that, my breasts and nipples are sore/tender still.  I have CRAZY pregnancy nose.  Everything smells so strongly.  When I open the fridge, I have to hold my breath because I would probably throw up otherwise.  I also have major food aversions.  Nothing sounds appetizing or appealing to me.  Nothing.  I can't think about or look at or smell food, for the most part.  And the weird thing is that I'm not hungry...but I do feel like I have a gaping emptiness in my stomach.  I know I need to fill it (because the nausea gets worse if I don't), but I have no appetite.

Experiencing some more tiredness, but nothing I would call fatigue.  I sleep somewhat fitfully at night.  I'll wake myself up with bouts of nausea, or cramping like I had last night, or need to pee.  Also, I notice my boobs are extra sore in the middle of the night.  I'm guessing my body is doing some major baby-building while I'm asleep.

My husband and I had broken the news already to our parents, so we were able to tell them yesterday that everything was progressing nicely.  We also had the chance to tell our siblings for the first time, and they were really stoked for us.

The best thing about the pregnancy so far has been the reaction of our families.  It has been so so unspeakably special to see the sheer joy and happiness on their faces.  I am really hoping I won't "let them down" by losing this baby.  I know it wouldn't be my fault, but I'm sure I would feel it was in some way.  I feel like I've been dealing with the letdown of infertility for a while, and that I'd be ok if something were to happen.  It would almost be expected.  But I couldn't bear to see the pain in my family's faces.

Anyway, I will try to think positive thoughts and enjoy each moment.  I wish you all the best wherever you are in your journey.

Thursday, October 18, 2012


I can't believe that's the title of my blog post.  I can't believe I'd ever be able to track my life in the weeks and days of a pregnant person.

I had two blood draws last week, both showing great hcg levels.  Next steps is the viability scan next Wednesday where we see if there is a heartbeat or not.

I am trying not to freak out too much about this.  I'm trying to stay calm, and tell myself that it is what it is.  That if this pregnancy doesn't work out, it was not my fault, it was a chromosomal issue, there was nothing I could do.  It truly is in the Lord's hands.

Still, I can't help walking around balancing that fine line between joy and terror.  Wondering if whatever is in there is dead or alive.

I remember one blogger writing last year about her pregnancy, about how the infertile is always waiting.  Even when she's pregnant, she's waiting for the pregnancy to progress or she's waiting for her baby to die.  I found it so morbid at the time, but I feel like I really understand it now.  It's a sad reality of the infertile, I guess.  It's the pallor you may never be able to fully shake off even when you get the long sought after BFP.

But again -- one day at a time.

I am trying to enjoy each day under the assumption that everything is progressing along fine.  I am even trying to enjoy all of the symptoms.  For me so far, it's been some breast tenderness, weird pains in my abdomen (not quite indigestion, but seeemingly associated with either hunger/fullness), increased thirst.  And the new one today is slight nausea.  I was hoping I would be able to dodge this bullet for a while longer, but this is probably the beginning of the worst of it.

The days just seem to be dragging until next Wednesday.  I feel like I'll be able to really move on -- be either really happy or really sad -- once I know where we stand with the heartbeat.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

OMG I'm Pregnant

I don't know if anyone really reads this anymore, but I wanted to update you all.

I'm pregnant.

I know.  I can't believe it either.

I was basically waiting for my period to come at the end of September, so that we could start IUI in October.

I found out this past Friday.  I had woken up early to get some work on a personal project done.  I was a couple days away from getting my period and planning to visit my family that weekend.  I figured I would test so that those back-and-forth thoughts in my head ("Maybe I'm pregnant."  "I need to stop being delusional.  There's no way I'm pregnant.") could be vanquished once and for all.

I took one of those cheapie internet tests, but it was defective.  So I went downstairs, did a little work, and decided to test again.  I had a few more of those suckers left, so I figured why not?  The second one came back with just the faintest line.  So faint that I was sure I was imagining it.  I took my glasses off, put them back on.  Held the test up to the light, held it up to the window.  Turned it back and forth in my hand in case there was a glare.

But nope.  There was just the slightest line.

My heart pounding, I jumped into the car and raced to the drugstore where I bought two different types of digital tests, the kind that spell out "Pregnant" just so that there was no ambiguity.

At home, I took the one test, my hand shaking the entire time.  Wouldn't you know it?  It read, "Pregnant."

I shook my husband awake, who basically just stared at me in incomprehension for several seconds.  Finally, he gave me a high five and said, "Good job on saving us a couple thousand on fertility treatments."

I took a second digital test which read, "Yes+."  (And yes, there was indeed a plus symbol at the end of that yes in case you were in doubt.)

I absolutely could not and cannot believe it.

I had a blood test on Monday and today.  My HCG levels are great (314.4 on Monday and 725.3 today), which is what you want -- HCG should basically double every two days.

Next step is the ultrasound scan to detect a heartbeat, scheduled for October 24.  I know it's still very early on (I'm about 4w3d by my count) and we're not out of the woods yet, but I can't help rejoicing.

There were times where I truly doubted that I would be able to say that I (me?!), that I'm pregnant!  I have never been here before, so this is exciting.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time and celebrate each small milestone, whether or not this pregnant ultimately ends up progressing.

For now, I am truly grateful and humbled.