Sunday, September 25, 2011


Ran a 5k today.  My first official race ever.  It was great.  I felt like I was going to barf at the end, but it felt good to finish something.  I did it under 31 minutes too, which isn't so bad.

The Chinese herbs I drank yesterday seemed to have made my flow stronger than usual.  Not sure if I'm just imagining it.  Maybe it's cleaning out my old uterine lining really, really well.  You know, cleaning the slate, out with the old, in with the new, that kind of thing.  I don't know if that helps with fertility, but I'll just believe that it does. :)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

She is Here

AF, that is.  Oh well.  Not a surprise.

On a happier note, it's our 6th wedding anniversary.  I can't believe we've been together this long!

It's getting to the point where I don't want to advertise how long we've been married.  Because then people inevitably wonder, even if they're not asking us out loud, why don't you have any kids??

Can't win with infertility, can you?  Happy doesn't seem happy anymore.  Not the way it used to.

Still, I'm going to try today.  DH went with me today to pick out my gift, some perfume.  (Nothing like a beauty purchase to cheer oneself up!)  Now we're going to dinner at a fancy schmancy restaurant I've been wanting to try for a while.

Happy anniversary to my wonderful husband who is the best part of every day. <3

Friday, September 23, 2011

Temps Dropping

I'm expecting my period tomorrow.  My temps started dropping this morning, so I'm not holding out any hope.

My mom mailed me some packets of Chinese medicine.  I don't even know what's really in it, but it's supposed to be for general regulation of your cycle, and to boost your overall female health.  She said that within 3 cycles I should expect to be pregnant...that is, if my husband's sperm was normal.  Ha.  Oh well.

Next month, DH goes for his 6 month S/A since his varicocelectomy.  Trying not to fret too much about it.

In other news, I am addicted to 24 the TV show.  Discovered the show just about 10 years too late...but better later than never.  I've been watching it on my Netflix streaming non-stop.  I'm now  on Season 4!

A couple of thoughts from the show:

1) I love Tony + Michelle. <3  Keep making that magic happen please.

2) Kiefer Sutherland is not Jack Bauer, and I'm kind of in love with Jack, which is confusing because it kind of makes me in love with Kiefer.  But I think if I ever met Kiefer in person I would be sorely disappointed because he isn't Jack.  I bet I'm not the only woman who feels this way either.  That must be one tough burden for Kiefer to carry.

Any other 24 fans out there?  If not, what good TV are you watching these days to get your mind off of TTC?

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Halfway Through

...the 2ww.  And I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant.

But I'm not thinking about it too much.  Infertility has given me a lot of time to think about my life and what I want for it, regardless of how/if/when kids factor into the picture.

Ever since I got married six years ago, I have been planning to be a mom, whether consciously or subconsciously.  I didn't think much about a career or long term plans for my future because I figured that when I had kids, I would table any big career plans and focus on raising kids.

Now that kids are no longer an inevitably, or at least something that can be planned at will, I've decided that I am going to focus on what I want for my life.

And I'm starting to realize that I don't want to do what I'm doing now forever.  Or really, for much longer.  I work in an office, get paid pretty decently, and have good health benefits.  But what I really want is to make a living writing fiction.

This past month, I've started buckling down, and working more seriously on my writing.  I have nearly completed a short story, which I'm going to submit to some magazines.  We'll see how it goes.

Just like with infertility, one step at a time.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Ugh...Here We Go Again

Just ovulated.  My guesstimation is that it was this past Saturday or thereabouts.  I am officially in the 2ww...WHICH I HATE.  Because even though I know our chances are fairly slim, it's hard not to fluctuate between hope and despair for the next 14 days, and I hate the ride.  The ride makes me motion sick.

I just want a Friendly's sundae.  A Friendly's sundae would make it all better, I'm convinced.

Raise your hand if you're in the 2ww too.  We can commiserate together.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Where Did August Go?

I can't believe the last time I updated was in July, and now we're into September.  I wish it was because I was busy after a BFP or something super happy and exciting like that, but that was not the case.

I did think that I had gotten pregnant in August, but it was just me miscalculating my ovulation date, and therefore Day 1 of my next cycle.  Still, for two glorious days, while we were in vacation in Ocean City, MD with our family, my husband and I exchanged conspiratorial glances and secret smiles, thinking that maybe this time it had actually worked.  That maybe we were one of those lucky couples who get treatment/surgery and miraculously get our BFP and then never have to look backwards at that dark and lonely world of infertility.

It started with cautious hope on Monday, when I was expecting my period and it never came.  Then Day 2, that hope grew just a little bit more, like a baby bird poking its head through its shell and glimpsing for the first time the rays of the sun.  By the morning of Day 3, when AF still hadn't shown up, my husband and I were debating whether or not to buy a pregnancy test, and when it said positive (not if, when), whether or not we would tell our families that night.  I had been experiencing cramps all morning for the past few hours, but no sign of AF.  I thought that this was normal if I was pregnant since mild cramping can be a symptom.

Finally, around 10:30, we decided to spring for some pregnancy tests at the drugstore (although it pained me that I had a ton of cheapies lying around at home).  I started walking to the car to drive to the CVS down the street.  My husband stayed behind because he was supposed to work out with his uncle, so we decided to divide and conquer.  Halfway to the car, I felt a gush down there, and after a few seconds of confusion, I realized what had happened.

There was definitely a sense of sadness.  But there was also a feeling like, of course, it seemed too good to be true.  This is more like it -- why would I think things had finally turned around for us?  But most surprisingly of all, there was a sense of relief.  The past couple of days, when I started really believing that we had actually done it, I started to feel scared and panicked, not sure whether or not I could do this whole motherhood thing, or whether my husband and I were really ready for parenthood.

It took me by surprise because I have been so focused on getting pregnant this past year and a half, and once we found out it wasn't going to be easy for us, I became that much more determined.  This month's episode made me realize I don't think I've stopped and really thought about my feelings about actually being a parent and having a child in our lives.  Are we really ready for it?  Would we be good at it?  I guess I figured that I would worry about the getting pregnant part first, and then worry about the rest later.  Otherwise, there's just too much to worry about.

When I came back into the condo, and told my husband that I'd gotten my period, the look on his face was one that I don't think I will ever forget.  If I had any feelings of relief or, dare I say it, happiness, that we weren't pregnant, then seeing him after I told him the news wiped all of that away.  My husband has been fairly even keeled throughout our struggles, fairly optimistic, patient, one might even say stoic at times.  There have been many occasions when I've accused him about not caring about our situation, or said that he's not as invested as I am.  But the disappointment in his eyes and in his face when I told him that I'd gotten my period convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wants this just as much as I do.  And if I felt ever like breaking down and having a good cry for what happened this month, it would be over his sense of loss and not mine.

So that was August in a nutshell, as far as our TTC journey is concerned.  We are nearing this month's try soon.  My husband and I are approaching this month with a lot more caution.  In fact, when I brought up that it would be nearing TTC time next week, my husband just shrugged.  Inside, I bristled a bit, convinced it was his indifferent and blase attitude rearing its head again.  When I asked him what the shrug was for, he looked away and said, it just never works.

I thought my heart had done plenty of breaking last month, but it did just a little bit more in that moment.