Sunday, July 31, 2011

Another Pregnancy Announcement

I just found out last night that my best friend is pregnant with twins naturally.  And probably without really trying or at least on their first try.  She and I have known each other for the past nine years.  We moved to the area at the same time, and have seen each other through boyfriends, engagements, marriages, and more.  She knows intimately our struggle with infertility.  In fact, she was the friend who came over the week before to pray with us before DH's S/A last week.

My birthday was this past Thursday, and she emailed me last night (Saturday).  I am grateful for many things.  One, she emailed me with the news, as I had requested her to do when her time came.  In her email, she was very gracious in saying that she understood this might be difficult news for us to hear, and that we should take all the time we needed to process the information before responding.  She waited until after our S/A and after my birthday festivities to break the news.  I know she must be terrified about having twins as she and her husband just purchased a house, and she has often shared with me her financial struggles.  We live in a very well-to-do area, but she makes 50% more than her husband makes, and he will probably never make a ton of money in their lifetime.  She knows that she will probably never have the option to be a stay-at-home mom.  A lot of her/our friends will or do make more than they do, and I know she struggles with this constantly.  Because of this, I am sure that she is scared about having twins, but I'm sure she is downplaying sharing this with me.  And as scared as she must be, I'm sure she's also downplaying how happy and excited she is to be sharing this awesome news with us.  For all of these reasons, I am so supremely grateful for her sensitivity in how she shared the news with us.

But that other part of me is extremely sad, bitter and jealous at how easy conception must have been for them.  Plus, the fact that they're not having one baby but TWO babies...and naturally!!  And the fact that she wasn't even sure she wanted kids just yet.  That really evil and dark part of my heart is crying out to God and the world, wondering, how can it be that they can have so much and we can have nothing??  I feel so bitterly grieved for myself and for all the couples out there whose arms are so empty, who are so scared and lonely, wondering when their turn will come, if it will ever come.

It really is at times like these when I am so angry with what infertility has done to me.  It's made me someone who can't be happy for my closest friend in the face of such good news.  It's prevented her from sharing the news with me the way she should be able to -- shouting it from the rooftops, us jumping up and down together in excitement.

I cried all last night after I heard the news, and this morning I skipped church because I still feel absolutely awful.  I am crying now just thinking about all of this.  I guess good news can't just be good news for long...something has to come along to knock you back down to earth.

I'm feeling pretty deflated right now.  I plan to take the rest of the day easy, and to let myself just process everything.  I'm so tired of this hamster wheel of infertility.

Someone, please make it stop.

Monday, July 25, 2011

And the Results Are In

And they're good!  Or at least very promising. :)

So here are the results of the first S/A since DH's varicocelectomy on March 16, and since he started taking Clomid in February:

Count per ml: 19 million (>= 20 million is normal)
Volume: 4 ml (>= 2 ml is normal)
Motility: 45% (>= 50% is normal)
Total Moving Sperm: 34.2 million!!! (>= 40 million is normal)

The urologist did not give a figure for the morphology, but I've heard that this does not matter so much for conception.

This is compared to our first series of S/A's at our RE in November:

S/A #1

Count per ml: 6 million
Volume: 5 ml
Motility: 6%
Total Moving Sperm: 1.8 million

S/A #2
Count per ml: 6 million
Volume: 3.9 ml
Motility: 20%
Total Moving Sperm: 4.68 million

The doctor said that the count could either get better, stay the same or get worse (which, I guess, is just all the options you could have).  So in three months, we're going to go back for another follow-up S/A to see how things have progressed.

In the meantime, we are very hopeful.  The urologist said that even though DH is just a little below normal levels, he thinks there is a good chance, given a year's time, that we can get pregnant on our own.  So for now, we are opting to try naturally, and we will see what will come of it.  I'm sure that after the next S/A we will re-evaluate, but for now, that's what we're going to do.

I didn't go with DH to his appointment today, and I'm glad I didn't.  I was at work, and it was good to have the distraction until I got the phone call from my husband.  Thankfully, after the call, I only had about an hour left of the work day, and I spent it doing some mindless tasks.  I was so ready to go home.  It was a very stressful Monday, but with a happy ending.

I continue to be hopeful, but part of me is bracing myself for the worse.  Who knows where this could end up?  We're not there yet, but we're headed in the right direction.  I am trusting the Lord, and asking for His guidance and strength as we continue through this crazy TTC journey.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Dooms Day is Fast Approaching

Monday is the big day.  We'll see just how well the varicocelectomy and Clomid are doing for his sperm.

I don't know if I realized it until now, but I think it's been causing me to have a hard time focusing on work.  Next week I have a series of presentations I have to give throughout the company, and I feel so underprepared for it.  I just haven't been able to focus, though, on pulling everything together.

I know I must sound like a broken record, but I feel like so much hinges on this S/A.

Last week, friends of ours came over and prayed for us.  It was such a blessing to see their love for us manifested in that way.  I am so grateful to have friends like that.  Their prayers made me shed some tears, not going to lie.  They were so full of hope and confidence, asking the Lord that he would allow us to conceive naturally, that the results of the S/A would be so positive that it would astound even the doctors.  I wish so much that I could believe it the way they seem to, but mostly I am filled with doom and pessimism.  At this point, I am ready for the results to be no better than before the treatments, and that we are bound for IVF.

I know God works miracles beyond what we can believe.  But the miracles aren't for everyone.  Sometimes God chooses for some people to walk a harder path, and that's ok.  It doesn't mean that he's unfaithful to them or loves them less.  It just means that in His sovereignty and wisdom, He gives us all different paths.  I just pray that he would give me acceptance, humility and peace no matter what path he chooses for my husband and me.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


It's slowly and steadily seeping in, and unsettling me.

I have so many what-if's running through my head as we approach the S/A in a couple of weeks:
  • What if it worked and we have lots of sperm but we can't get pregnant on our own?
  • What if it turns out I'm the problem?  Maybe my eggs are impenetrable or have bad DNA?
  • What if we qualify for IUI, but we can't get pregnant?
  • What if we have to do IVF?  Can I go through with the shots?
  • What if it worked and we have lots of sperm but it takes another 12 months to get pregnant on our own?  Could I wait that long?
  • What if it worked and we have lots of sperm -- should we try naturally or should we just go for the IUI and get it done quickly?  But what if we did IUI and ended up with twins (not something I want if it can be helped).
  • What if it didn't work?  Does that mean I can't leave my job or that we can't move somewhere else because I'd need to have the infertility benefits from my job?
  • What if it didn't work?  Should we try something else for my husband or move on to IUI/IVF?
These thoughts or some slight variations of them keep swirling around in my head.  It makes it hard to concentrate at work.  It feels like the days are crawling by at this point until we get to the S/A.

I'm not feeling overly optimistic.  Neither is my husband.  For whatever reason, we both don't think the varicocelectomy or the Clomid has helped him.  There's no tangible reason we think that.  Maybe we're just pessimists.

The S/A is July 25.  My 31st birthday is July 28.  Either I will be really happy or really sad come my birthday.  I am prepared to be really sad, and to that end, I am hoping we can do something nice for my birthday (dinner, a night out) in order to distract me.

Friday, July 8, 2011

I'm Back

I have to apologize profusely for not being better about updating this blog.  The main reason is that there has been no news to report.

The hubby had his surgery to repair his varicoceles in March; he's been on Clomid since February to address the borderline low testosterone, and now we're waiting for our first S/A since either to see what our next steps are.  The appointment is July 25.

I must be more anxious and stressed about the S/A than I realize.  This cycle will probably end up being around 39 days long, which is definitely on my longer side, and usually happens when I'm stressed out.  I just feel like everything hangs in the balance with this S/A.  This S/A is going to tell us how we're going to get our babies -- is it going to be through IUI or IVF??  Or might we even be able to conceive naturally??  (A laughable thought, it seems like.)  This S/A is going to dictate what the next 6-12 months of my life is going to look like -- can I switch jobs, can we move, are we going to have to worry about money or not?

No pressure.

The one silver lining is that I've been able to get a better grip on the situation emotionally, and I've also been able to be open with a lot more of my friends about what we're going through.  The outpour of love and support has been such a blessing.  In the process, I've found another IF in real life (been trying for 6 years), and hopefully will get to know her better.

Thanks to all of my blogger friends for reaching out.  I've been following all of your journeys, and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.  I will try to be better about updating, and will definitely let you know how the S/A turns out.