No More Pregnancy Announcements Please

I started taking baifung wan today. It's a Chinese herbal medicine for general female health.  My grandmother says that when she was my age, that's what women took when they were trying to get pregnant, and it worked for a lot of women.  Even though our issue is mainly male factor, I figure I could use a little help as well.  My cycles are on the long side, and this stuff is supposed to regulate my cycle to 28 days, among other things.

In addition, I'm trying to convince my husband to start consuming goji berry.  It's another TCM thing...for general male virility.  My husband, being suspicious of all of this stuff, has conceded to taking it as long as he can research it, and make sure that it's not poisonous.  (It's not.  People have been taking this stuff for 2,500 years.)

I think he and I are finally starting to come around to being on the same page as far as treatment is concerned.  I have been pushing TCM as a first step, assuming no major issues that require surgical intervention.  I've been begging and pleading with him to consider TCM as I am very hesitant about jumping right into IVF.  There is risk involved, and a lot of ethical dilemmas.  This has been a huge sticking point for us, but I think he's coming around, and I'm very grateful for that.

Otherwise, I've been up and down with my moods.  Infertility is bad enough, but I've also been dealing with a lot of stress at work, which doesn't help things.  2011 promises to be crazy at work -- even crazier than this past year was -- which makes me wonder how I'll ever fit in the doctor's appointments and fertility treatments I'm sure we'll be seeking this year.

On top of that, everyone thinks it's cute to announce their pregnancies during the holidays, so there seem to be more of those than usual.  I have been alright with most of them, but one of the announcements today from a friend at church just sent me over the edge.  This couple sends an annual Christmas letter with a retrospective on their past year.  This year's was a two-pager all about their 1-year-old's accomplishments.  On a month-by-month basis.  (Yeah, just shoot me now.)  Anyway, I just had a sneaking suspicion that the end of the letter would include a pregnancy announcement.

I was right.

I'm sorry if I sound on the edge of bitter (I promise to try to write a more positive post next time).  I just can't help thinking life is so unfair.  We all have our hardships, but this one seems to blow really hard in particular.

With the holidays, I can't seem to stop thinking about where I was last year, and where I thought I would be at this time last year.  I had just finished my last pack of BCP last December, and was getting ready to start trying.  I was convinced I'd either be pregnant or holding a newborn by Christmas this year.  Infertility had never even crossed my mind.  It's been a bitter reality to have to deal with this emptiness and void, when all around me, other people seem to be celebrating the birth of new life and adding to their families.

Geez, just writing this is bringing me to tears.  I better sign off, so that I'm not continuing to stew.  The bright side is that my husband's appointment with the urologist is nigh (I feel like we've been waiting an eternity for this appointment).  I hope that we will start getting some good answers, so we can finally move forward on this IF train.