Urologist Update and Musings on Life

I've been terrible about updating this blog, I know.

The first thing I should do is fill you in on the follow-up urologist appointment earlier this month.  The doctor determined that DH has borderline low testosterone levels, and he has put DH on 50mg of Clomid daily.  So far, there has been very minor symptoms...just some bloating and some breakouts.  He has a blood test and follow-up appointment in early March to see if his testosterone has gone up.  There is about a 30% chance that the Clomid will increase his numbers.

We also decided to do the surgery March 16 to correct his varicoceles.  There's a 70% chance that it will improve his sperm.  Of that 70%, 50% will go on to impregnate their partners.  So there is a 35% chance that it will help us get pregnant.

I hate the numbers game.  Because in the end, it's just a game, and no one can tell us whether anything will actually work or not.  We could very well end up falling on the wrong side of those odds.  But still, I can't help but be hopeful.  Between these two treatments options, something's gotta work, right?

I know I was in dire straits not too long ago, and feeling really low about where we were.  However, now that we have a treatment plan, I'm starting to feel better about the whole situation.  Whether or not that treatment plan will actually work is yet to be seen, but knowing that there is a plan has provided me with a great deal of comfort.

In addition, our infertility has created a couple of interesting, overlapping ripple effects in my life, ripple effects which have made me think long and hard about my life in whole.

First is -- I've started thinking about my career path.  I don't know if I'd ever taken my career seriously because in the back of my head, I'd always hoped to be a stay-at-home mom when I had kids.  So every job I've taken to this point has been with the caveat that I'd work there until I had kids.  Not that it would be guaranteed that DH would even be able to make enough money to support us on a single income, but still.  That was always the plan.

Now I'm realizing that plan is shot.  Or, rather, it's delayed indefinitely.

So lately I've been thinking, oh crap now what?

And I'm beginning to wonder if the field I'm in is really the field I want to be in.  I somehow ended up in the field because I was good at it, and the money was good.  But it's not what I'm passionate about.  It's definitely not what I would have said I wanted to end up doing if you had asked me nine years ago right out of college.  Yet here I am.

About a month ago, our team re-organized, and I was moved out from under my boss, and am now reporting directly to my boss's boss.  It's an honor, and an unofficial promotion of sorts.  But the added responsibility has made me realize that I'm going to be hard-pressed to move up any further in the organization if this isn't the work I really want to be doing.  Because the lack of passion is going to end up showing.  Or else, I'll just make myself miserable in order to succeed because I'm a people pleaser, and I can't bear to let anyone down.

Then I started thinking about what I really want to do.  And I keep going back to -- I want to be a writer.  It's been my dream ever since high school, one that I started to carry out in college when I completed the Creative Writing program.  It's a scary profession to go into because it's lonely and uncertain and can be largely thankless.  And yet, I can't escape the desire to write and express myself through words and stories.

I haven't been writing creatively for several years at this point.  I had actually quit a previous job five years ago in order to be a writer full time.  But that failed miserably, and I ended up getting a normal job again and attempted to bury the writing bug and move on with my adult life.

But now I'm wondering if perhaps I failed for a couple of reasons.  One, the best way to fail at something is to announce your intentions publicly.  I think I set myself up for failure in some sense.  Two, I was in my mid-twenties, young, and inexperienced at life.  And this is where the infertility comes in.  Because of my infertility, I feel like I've experienced more pain and more want than I have to date in my young life.  I finally have something to write about.

And that's part of why I have been bad about blogging.  I've actually been spending a lot of my free time writing creatively, and seeing what will come.  I'm glad to say that I may actually be able to put my infertility to some good and productive use.  Who knew?