October is Almost Here

...and the countdown to IUI will begin shortly.

I am not even counting this month as a possibility although we are trying on our own.  Technically, I'm ovulating right about now.  But it hasn't worked for us these past several years.  I don't see a reason to start hoping now that we will get pregnant.

But that darned hope...it always wants to rear its head.  I am on thyroid medication, and part of me is wondering if that's what I need in order to get pregnant on my own.  Trying not to get my hopes up because they have been beat down very quickly whenever I have allowed them to.

Given this timing, I should be starting the IUI process in another two weeks.

Yikes.  I can't believe this is going to be happening.

If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, and I'm not sure if I want to move onto IVF, at least not right away.  My husband and I are contemplating a cross-country move, and I think we would tackle that first before we would tackle IVF.

Yeah, that's the thing.  We're thinking of making a big move in our lives, really uprooting ourselves and flipping our worlds upside down.  But the unknown is whether or not we will be able to get pregnant.  If we do, we will probably stick around this area for a while for the insurance benefits (because who knows if/when I'll get a job out there, and what the health/maternity benefits would look like).  I am more ok with staying put, but my husband is really itching to go.  Part of me is scared that I'm holding him back, that the idea of a baby is holding him back, and that he doesn't really want to get pregnant.  Part of me doesn't want to get pregnant either.  If you can believe that, I am feeling ambivalent now about the whole matter.  I see how much easier life would be if we didn't have to figure out the logistics of having a kid.  How ironic is that.

We've tried seeing each scenario to its logical conclusion.  Get pregnant now and then deal with moving cross country with a baby -- not easy.  Wait to get pregnant, move, and then try to get pregnant a year or two older than I already am -- not ideal.  We're thinking ourselves into knots and getting more and more angst about it the more we think about it.  I think it's true that there is never a good time, so I say we go for it now.

It just goes to show that nothing on this earth will ever make us happy.  As an infertile, I feel like I'm chasing the mantle of motherhood.  But when I get it, will it complete me or make me happy forever?  I doubt it.  It reminds me that nothing can satisfy except the Lord Himself.  While my mind believes that, my heart doesn't.  My heart is telling me I will be happy if I have a baby.

Please God, help my unbelief.