One of my very good college friends is going to have a baby next year, and she is having her baby shower next week. I can't attend, so today after church I decided to shop for her gift, which I plan to mail to her. Apparently, Bed, Bath and Beyond now has a new baby section, so I decided to go check it out.
For those of you who've been reading, you will know that I have been hanging in there this entire month, feeling pretty matter-of-fact with our current situation. Which is why I was surprised how emotional I felt in the store, walking amongst the baby things. I felt like I was on the verge of tears the entire time, and my insides were an achy mush. I kept praying that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew, or else I was sure that I would burst into tears right there between the potty training seats and the Mustela diaper cream.
Last year at this time, I would have just glided through the expedition, with a smug sense that my turn would be coming soon. (The plan was to start trying at the beginning of 2010.) I've said it once, and I'll say it again -- what a difference a year makes. Now, I wonder when my turn will be. Will it be next year, two years, three years, five years, ten years? I don't know. The uncertainty is unnerving.
I made it out of the store alive, but allowed myself a few tears on the way home in the car. I guess it doesn't help that my period is on its way, either today or tomorrow. I don't want to dwell on the negativity and the fear too much, or else it will consume me. I am trusting in God's plan for my life, whatever it will be, and trusting that his plan is better than whatever plans I may have for myself.
On a positive note, my husband is coming home tomorrow after a two week business trip. I've missed him so much, and can't wait to see him. As hard as this journey has been so far, I can't imagine doing it alone and without him.
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