Today, I made an appointment with our local fertility clinic to go in for a consultation. We want to get tested, and see if there could be larger issues at play. It's a good first step -- a little bit scary, a little bit of a relief. I feel like I have been transporting this worry and anxiety on my back for the past six months, and finally I can sort of hand it to someone else for a while, namely the experts. It was something my husband and I have been talking about doing when he returned from his business trip. Our appointment is set for November 10.
As I mentioned before, I've been doing alright this month. I'm currently in my tww window, which has traditionally been very tough for me. It usually consists of me rollercoastering between thinking I'm pregnant and being convinced that we'd failed again. Not fun times, I tell you.
But I'll tell you something, and hopefully you won't think worse of me, but part of the reason I've been able to cope this month is the feeling that maybe our issues don't have to do with me, as I'd originally been fearing. Maybe they have to do with my husband! I don't know why it hadn't really occurred to me before, but he was the one that was born premature and very ill as a result. He's mostly overcome these issues, but it would make sense that his fertility may have been affected as a result.
I know it's terrible, but knowing that it may not be my fault has been comforting. Then again, this hunch is totally unfounded. It could be totally my fault. Even if this makes me a horrible person, it's what I need to hang on to my sanity. And at this point, I'll take what I can get.
I actually just wrote a post about this! After 25 months of TTC, we found out that it's my husband, not me! 99% of his sperm are abnormally shaped! All along, we did test after test on me, thinking I was the problem! It's good to have answers, so I'm hoping that your appointment is the beginning of finding those answers! :)
ReplyDelete~Bobbi @ www.thejohnsonsjourney.com