Depressed

You know how they say there are stages of grief?  I think I'm going through them.  Part of me is kind of amazed -- like, that whole thing about stages of grief isn't just an urban legend?  It's for real??

Well, right now I think I'm going through the depression stage.  What happened??  I was doing so well, feeling really optimistic.  Now, I just feel depressed -- and I don't mean sad, I mean depressed.

I sort of look at my days and wonder what's the point to it all without children in the picture?  Without realizing it, I think my whole life has been leading up to children.  When I was single, I worried about getting married because then I'd know who I was procreating with, and what my kids would look like.  I also wanted to make sure I was married well before I would be too old to be procreating.  Once I was married, the career path I took, the financial decisions I made, all revolved around how that would fit in with me having kids some day.  Now, I just wonder what all that planning was for?

I feel aimless and adrift.  I feel so far from the finish line -- whether that be biological kids, or whether that be an acceptance about adoption or child-free living.  I can't see the forest for the trees.  Who knows when I'll ever find my way out. 

I feel like I'm neither here nor there.  It's disconcerting.  It's unsettling.  It's disorienting.

Why me, God?