I have so many what-if's running through my head as we approach the S/A in a couple of weeks:
- What if it worked and we have lots of sperm but we can't get pregnant on our own?
- What if it turns out I'm the problem? Maybe my eggs are impenetrable or have bad DNA?
- What if we qualify for IUI, but we can't get pregnant?
- What if we have to do IVF? Can I go through with the shots?
- What if it worked and we have lots of sperm but it takes another 12 months to get pregnant on our own? Could I wait that long?
- What if it worked and we have lots of sperm -- should we try naturally or should we just go for the IUI and get it done quickly? But what if we did IUI and ended up with twins (not something I want if it can be helped).
- What if it didn't work? Does that mean I can't leave my job or that we can't move somewhere else because I'd need to have the infertility benefits from my job?
- What if it didn't work? Should we try something else for my husband or move on to IUI/IVF?
I'm not feeling overly optimistic. Neither is my husband. For whatever reason, we both don't think the varicocelectomy or the Clomid has helped him. There's no tangible reason we think that. Maybe we're just pessimists.
The S/A is July 25. My 31st birthday is July 28. Either I will be really happy or really sad come my birthday. I am prepared to be really sad, and to that end, I am hoping we can do something nice for my birthday (dinner, a night out) in order to distract me.
'What if....' is so prevalent a thought with couple going through IF- I think it purposefully has the same letters. :) Just to stare us in the face.
ReplyDeleteTake it one day at a time. I still haven't figured out if it is good to 'prepare' ourselves for a letdown or not--but I know that I certainly have less hope than when we first began TTC.
Praying BOTH of us restore our HOPE! Keep breathing and loving.
Blessings,
~Jess