I can't believe the last time I updated was in July, and now we're into September. I wish it was because I was busy after a BFP or something super happy and exciting like that, but that was not the case.
I did think that I had gotten pregnant in August, but it was just me miscalculating my ovulation date, and therefore Day 1 of my next cycle. Still, for two glorious days, while we were in vacation in Ocean City, MD with our family, my husband and I exchanged conspiratorial glances and secret smiles, thinking that maybe this time it had actually worked. That maybe we were one of those lucky couples who get treatment/surgery and miraculously get our BFP and then never have to look backwards at that dark and lonely world of infertility.
It started with cautious hope on Monday, when I was expecting my period and it never came. Then Day 2, that hope grew just a little bit more, like a baby bird poking its head through its shell and glimpsing for the first time the rays of the sun. By the morning of Day 3, when AF still hadn't shown up, my husband and I were debating whether or not to buy a pregnancy test, and when it said positive (not if, when), whether or not we would tell our families that night. I had been experiencing cramps all morning for the past few hours, but no sign of AF. I thought that this was normal if I was pregnant since mild cramping can be a symptom.
Finally, around 10:30, we decided to spring for some pregnancy tests at the drugstore (although it pained me that I had a ton of cheapies lying around at home). I started walking to the car to drive to the CVS down the street. My husband stayed behind because he was supposed to work out with his uncle, so we decided to divide and conquer. Halfway to the car, I felt a gush down there, and after a few seconds of confusion, I realized what had happened.
There was definitely a sense of sadness. But there was also a feeling like, of course, it seemed too good to be true. This is more like it -- why would I think things had finally turned around for us? But most surprisingly of all, there was a sense of relief. The past couple of days, when I started really believing that we had actually done it, I started to feel scared and panicked, not sure whether or not I could do this whole motherhood thing, or whether my husband and I were really ready for parenthood.
It took me by surprise because I have been so focused on getting pregnant this past year and a half, and once we found out it wasn't going to be easy for us, I became that much more determined. This month's episode made me realize I don't think I've stopped and really thought about my feelings about actually being a parent and having a child in our lives. Are we really ready for it? Would we be good at it? I guess I figured that I would worry about the getting pregnant part first, and then worry about the rest later. Otherwise, there's just too much to worry about.
When I came back into the condo, and told my husband that I'd gotten my period, the look on his face was one that I don't think I will ever forget. If I had any feelings of relief or, dare I say it, happiness, that we weren't pregnant, then seeing him after I told him the news wiped all of that away. My husband has been fairly even keeled throughout our struggles, fairly optimistic, patient, one might even say stoic at times. There have been many occasions when I've accused him about not caring about our situation, or said that he's not as invested as I am. But the disappointment in his eyes and in his face when I told him that I'd gotten my period convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wants this just as much as I do. And if I felt ever like breaking down and having a good cry for what happened this month, it would be over his sense of loss and not mine.
So that was August in a nutshell, as far as our TTC journey is concerned. We are nearing this month's try soon. My husband and I are approaching this month with a lot more caution. In fact, when I brought up that it would be nearing TTC time next week, my husband just shrugged. Inside, I bristled a bit, convinced it was his indifferent and blase attitude rearing its head again. When I asked him what the shrug was for, he looked away and said, it just never works.
I thought my heart had done plenty of breaking last month, but it did just a little bit more in that moment.
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