Another Pregnancy Announcement

I just found out last night that my best friend is pregnant with twins naturally.  And probably without really trying or at least on their first try.  She and I have known each other for the past nine years.  We moved to the area at the same time, and have seen each other through boyfriends, engagements, marriages, and more.  She knows intimately our struggle with infertility.  In fact, she was the friend who came over the week before to pray with us before DH's S/A last week.

My birthday was this past Thursday, and she emailed me last night (Saturday).  I am grateful for many things.  One, she emailed me with the news, as I had requested her to do when her time came.  In her email, she was very gracious in saying that she understood this might be difficult news for us to hear, and that we should take all the time we needed to process the information before responding.  She waited until after our S/A and after my birthday festivities to break the news.  I know she must be terrified about having twins as she and her husband just purchased a house, and she has often shared with me her financial struggles.  We live in a very well-to-do area, but she makes 50% more than her husband makes, and he will probably never make a ton of money in their lifetime.  She knows that she will probably never have the option to be a stay-at-home mom.  A lot of her/our friends will or do make more than they do, and I know she struggles with this constantly.  Because of this, I am sure that she is scared about having twins, but I'm sure she is downplaying sharing this with me.  And as scared as she must be, I'm sure she's also downplaying how happy and excited she is to be sharing this awesome news with us.  For all of these reasons, I am so supremely grateful for her sensitivity in how she shared the news with us.

But that other part of me is extremely sad, bitter and jealous at how easy conception must have been for them.  Plus, the fact that they're not having one baby but TWO babies...and naturally!!  And the fact that she wasn't even sure she wanted kids just yet.  That really evil and dark part of my heart is crying out to God and the world, wondering, how can it be that they can have so much and we can have nothing??  I feel so bitterly grieved for myself and for all the couples out there whose arms are so empty, who are so scared and lonely, wondering when their turn will come, if it will ever come.

It really is at times like these when I am so angry with what infertility has done to me.  It's made me someone who can't be happy for my closest friend in the face of such good news.  It's prevented her from sharing the news with me the way she should be able to -- shouting it from the rooftops, us jumping up and down together in excitement.

I cried all last night after I heard the news, and this morning I skipped church because I still feel absolutely awful.  I am crying now just thinking about all of this.  I guess good news can't just be good news for long...something has to come along to knock you back down to earth.

I'm feeling pretty deflated right now.  I plan to take the rest of the day easy, and to let myself just process everything.  I'm so tired of this hamster wheel of infertility.

Someone, please make it stop.