5w4d

I can't believe that's the title of my blog post.  I can't believe I'd ever be able to track my life in the weeks and days of a pregnant person.

I had two blood draws last week, both showing great hcg levels.  Next steps is the viability scan next Wednesday where we see if there is a heartbeat or not.

I am trying not to freak out too much about this.  I'm trying to stay calm, and tell myself that it is what it is.  That if this pregnancy doesn't work out, it was not my fault, it was a chromosomal issue, there was nothing I could do.  It truly is in the Lord's hands.

Still, I can't help walking around balancing that fine line between joy and terror.  Wondering if whatever is in there is dead or alive.

I remember one blogger writing last year about her pregnancy, about how the infertile is always waiting.  Even when she's pregnant, she's waiting for the pregnancy to progress or she's waiting for her baby to die.  I found it so morbid at the time, but I feel like I really understand it now.  It's a sad reality of the infertile, I guess.  It's the pallor you may never be able to fully shake off even when you get the long sought after BFP.

But again -- one day at a time.

I am trying to enjoy each day under the assumption that everything is progressing along fine.  I am even trying to enjoy all of the symptoms.  For me so far, it's been some breast tenderness, weird pains in my abdomen (not quite indigestion, but seeemingly associated with either hunger/fullness), increased thirst.  And the new one today is slight nausea.  I was hoping I would be able to dodge this bullet for a while longer, but this is probably the beginning of the worst of it.

The days just seem to be dragging until next Wednesday.  I feel like I'll be able to really move on -- be either really happy or really sad -- once I know where we stand with the heartbeat.