Sigh of Relief

We had our first scan yesterday, and everything went great!

Cue big sigh of relief.

The baby was measuring right on track at 6w2d, and had a heartbeat of 114 bpm.  The doc said the heartbeat would get even stronger over time.  We have a follow-up scan next week.

I really can't believe this is happening sometimes.  I have such mixed feelings sometimes, almost like a survivor's guilt.  Like -- why me??  There are so many people who struggle for so much longer, go through so many more treatments, who don't get to where we are for a very long time, if ever.  We got off easy, all things considered.  I am extremely grateful for the Lord's goodness to me in this situation.

I also can't let myself be too happy yet.  I wonder all the time when I will let myself be happy, if I ever will during this pregnancy.  Or will I just worry all the way to the end?  I told myself after the first heartbeat, I would let myself be happy.  But now I'm saying, eight weeks.  I'm sure at eight weeks, I'll say once I hit the end of the first trimester.  Is this the curse of the infertile?  Sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Symptoms wise, I've hit the dread nausea phase.  It started this past week, and was horrible Saturday and Sunday (vomiting to the point where I'm just dry heaving because there is nothing left in my stomach, not even bile).  It calmed down earlier this week, and I broke down at the urging of my RE and took some Zofran yesterday for the nausea.  Aw, sweet relief.  I feel like such a bad and weak mommy, taking the meds, but they made such a difference.  Still, I'm trying to be grateful for even the nausea knowing that it means there is something going on inside of me, that the hormones are kicking up dust and doing their thing and allowing my baby to grow.

Other than that, my breasts and nipples are sore/tender still.  I have CRAZY pregnancy nose.  Everything smells so strongly.  When I open the fridge, I have to hold my breath because I would probably throw up otherwise.  I also have major food aversions.  Nothing sounds appetizing or appealing to me.  Nothing.  I can't think about or look at or smell food, for the most part.  And the weird thing is that I'm not hungry...but I do feel like I have a gaping emptiness in my stomach.  I know I need to fill it (because the nausea gets worse if I don't), but I have no appetite.

Experiencing some more tiredness, but nothing I would call fatigue.  I sleep somewhat fitfully at night.  I'll wake myself up with bouts of nausea, or cramping like I had last night, or need to pee.  Also, I notice my boobs are extra sore in the middle of the night.  I'm guessing my body is doing some major baby-building while I'm asleep.

My husband and I had broken the news already to our parents, so we were able to tell them yesterday that everything was progressing nicely.  We also had the chance to tell our siblings for the first time, and they were really stoked for us.

The best thing about the pregnancy so far has been the reaction of our families.  It has been so so unspeakably special to see the sheer joy and happiness on their faces.  I am really hoping I won't "let them down" by losing this baby.  I know it wouldn't be my fault, but I'm sure I would feel it was in some way.  I feel like I've been dealing with the letdown of infertility for a while, and that I'd be ok if something were to happen.  It would almost be expected.  But I couldn't bear to see the pain in my family's faces.

Anyway, I will try to think positive thoughts and enjoy each moment.  I wish you all the best wherever you are in your journey.