13 Weeks

Size of baby: Medium shrimp (what happened to the fruit theme?)

Continuing symptoms: Week 4 of no vomiting!  Nausea seemed to wane even more this week.  In fact, it was pretty non-existent except for one particular night.  Otherwise, it was more of a gaggy, gross feeling than nausea, and was worse when I was hungry.  Other symptoms included sore boobs, weird taste in mouth, and acid reflux.

New symptoms this week: Acid reflux seemed to be worse than the previous week.  It felt like a lump at the base of my throat that made swallowing bothersome.  Kind of reminded me of the feeling of an allergic reaction, which was a bit scary.

Maternity clothes: Bump keeps growing!  Definitely going to need maternity pants soon.

Sleep: Pretty good.  I'm actually sleeping through the night.  Then again, I've been running pretty nonestop with getting ready for Christmas, so I'm especially worn out.

What I'm eating: My eating continues to improve -- eating more and eating more of a variety.  Still, the weird taste in my mouth has been interfering with my enjoyment, but hoping it will pass once I get into the second trimester.

Cravings: None

Special pregnancy moments:  I had an ob/gyn appointment on Friday.  My husband and I had decided that if that appointment went well, we would announce the news and go public!  Well, everything went well (phew), and we told all of our church friends at the annual Christmas party.  Plus, we told all of our extended family and friends.  It was awesome being able to finally share the good news, and there was such an outpouring of excitement and happiness for us.  Not everyone knew about our TTC struggles, but for those who did, they were especially happy for us.  Even for those who didn't, I wonder if they might have suspected because they seemed super excited.  I can't believe that I'm here, that I'm actually able to hear the words, "I'm pregnant," coming out of my mouth.  It's still a crazy, surreal feeling for me, and such an honor and privilege.  I am grateful for each day that this pregnancy continues, and I pray for those of you who are still waiting for your special little ones.

12 Weeks

Size of baby: Lime

Continuing symptoms: Week 3 of no vomiting!  Same symptoms as last week -- mild nausea (more like queasiness) that's mainly limited to the evenings, sore boobs, mild acid reflux, weird taste in mouth, hunger.

New symptoms this week: Acid reflux is more constant but nothing horrible.

Maternity clothes: Bump keeps growing!  I bought some new wireless bras (in one size larger than I'm used to wearing!) and a button extender for my pants.  It's getting harder to hide my bump at work.  I've retired some of my tighter clothing items until after I make my announcement.

Sleep: I've been waking up once a night on average, either to pee or because I'm thinking about work.

What I'm eating: I'm eating a better variety and also eating more in one meal.  Thankfully, eating is not as disgusting a task to me anymore.  Still, it's not what it used to be -- food still tastes weird or the thought of it is unappealing at times.

Cravings: None

Special pregnancy moments:  Had a midweek appointment for genetic counseling and testing where they did a blood draw and ultrasound.  This visit I'd graduated from transvaginal ultrasounds to transabdominal!  This feels like such a milestone to me.  Before I'd gotten pregnant, I'd spent plenty of time with the wand, never sure if/when I would move beyond it.  But now that day has finally come, and I'm excited to be progressing to the next stage.  In other news, the tests came back with very low probability of Down Sydrome and trisomy 18, which I am so grateful for.

11 Weeks

Size of baby: Fig

Continuing symptoms: Week 2 of no vomiting!  Also, very limited nausea, and mostly in the evenings.  Otherwise, same symptoms as usual -- sore/swollen boobs, occasional mild heartburn/acid reflux, heightened sense of smell, hunger.  Also, symptoms come and go; nothing sticks with me constantly, thank goodness.

New symptoms this week: More heartburn/acid reflux than before.

Maternity clothes: Bump is definitely growing. :)  I bought some new wireless bras and a button extender for my pants.  It's getting a bit harder to hide my bump at work.  I've retired some of my tighter clothing items until after I make my announcement.

Sleep: Still getting up to pee once or twice a night.  I also had a stressful week at work, so that wasn't helping matters.  You know how they say you have really vivid dreams when you're pregnant?  Well, I had one where my co-worker called me a nasty name, and my boss didn't defend me.  I woke up crying -- first time in my life that's every happened!

What I'm eating: Cereal and milk still.  But the food aversions are getting better.  I'm eating a better variety and finding the whole task of eating more enjoyable altogether.

Cravings: None

Special pregnancy moments:  Shopping at a maternity store for the first time, and feeling like I belong in there!  It was weird, but nice. :)

10 Weeks

Size of baby: Kumquat

Continuing symptoms: No vomiting this week!  And very limited nausea.  Weird taste seems to be gone too, for the most part.  Otherwise, sore/swollen boobs, occasional mild heartburn (only if I eat poorly), fatigue, heightened sense of smell.  Also -- extreme hunger!  Maybe this is making up for the past four weeks where I could barely eat anything.  Seriously, I am ready to eat every hour and a half to two hours.  It's ridiculous.

New symptoms this week: Instead of the nausea, a gaggy feeling in the back of my throat if I get too hungry or at the sight/smell of food.  Hey, I'll take it.  Hopefully this is the beginning of the end.

Maternity clothes: Ordered some maternity clothes online with my mother-in-law this week.  They're my Christmas presents this year. :)

Sleep: Still getting up to pee once or twice a night.  Followed by the realization that I'm hungry, so I go down and get some cereal and milk.  Then I go back to bed.

What I'm eating: Cereal and milk still.  Eating more variety, including some vegetables now.  The sight of most food makes me gag until I actually try eating it -- then it's not so bad.

Cravings: None

Special pregnancy moments:  Going in for my first ob/gyn appointment.  Weird to have finally graduated!  And then seeing the baby waving its arms and legs around like a crazy person!  Definitely made me tear up.  Finally, spending time with my husband's family this Thanksgiving, and talking about babies pretty much non-stop. :)

9 Weeks

Size of baby: Grape

Continuing symptoms: Same symptoms as the week before -- nausea/vomiting, weird taste in mouth, sore/swollen boobs, hunger, occasional mild heartburn.  Again, symptoms come and go as far as intensity, but they're always lurking in the background.  I've also noticed that I'm more tired this week.

New symptoms this week: Nothing of note.

Maternity clothes: Starting to look online for some cute options, which is a fun distraction from the pukiness.  Pants are continuing to get tighter, and finally ordered a belly band online that will accomodate my expanding waistline while allowing me to continue to wear my pre-pregnancy clothes.  Also, the yoga pants I lived in early in the pregnancy are starting to get tight, and I have moved onto my flannel PJ pants.  I am starting to look more slobby. :)

Sleep: I need to get up and pee once a night.  Soon after, I realize I'm hungry, so I go downstairs and eat a bowl of cereal around 5.  After, I might surf the iPad a little and go back to sleep for another hour or two.  This might be contributing to my tiredness.

What I'm eating: Cereal and milk continue to be my go-to.  Most foods continue to turn me off, but I try to choke down what I can, especially as it helps keep the nausea at bay.

Cravings: None

Special pregnancy moments:  Telling my best friend and her husband about the pregnancy.  Yes, we're starting to slowly reveal the news to those closest to us, and especially those who were aware of our conception struggles.  They were both so happy for us, and so excited.  She said she had already been planning my baby shower for whenever we got pregnant (like, she has started Excel spreadsheets, I kid you not).

Moving On

We had our last RE appointment this past Friday where the baby had a great heartbeat and was measuring right on track.

This was the first time that the baby actually looked like a little baby and not just a blob.  And it was the first time I really teared up.  I can't believe we may be (please God) bringing a baby into the world next year that is half me and half my husband.  It's such an incredible miracle.

During the appointment, my RE said that they are sometimes able to detect the sex.  This shocked me since we were only about 8.5 weeks at that point.  But he said that they usually try not to look.  I'm sure they don't want to give people an incorrect sex, and in case anything happens to the baby, it might be that much more painful to have known the sex.

After he said that they usually try not to look, he then proceeded to start looking around, but quickly stopped himself.  However at the end of the appointment, he said very cryptically to my husband, "It looks like you're going to have someone to play video games with."  Which makes us wonder if it's a boy (something he and I suspected before this appointment).  My husband had made a comment earlier in the appointment that he doesn't care if it's a boy or girl, though it would be fun to have a boy to play video games with.  I guess we'll see.  I'm happy either way. :)

So this is it.  Our next appointment is this coming Monday where I see my regular ob/gyn.  I know I will be in good hands, but it is sad to be leaving the fertility clinic.  They were absolutely awesome, and so supportive and understanding of the infertile mindset.

Not only do we have our first ob/gyn appointment on Monday, but I also graduate to double digits that day too -- 10 weeks!  I am really looking forward to getting out of the first trimester, so that I can finally be out of the danger zone, and so that this nausea (hopefully) will finally go away!

8 Weeks

Size of baby: Kidney bean

Continuing symptoms: Nausea and vomiting are still there, but they seem to get better and better with each passing week.  The nausea tends to come and go in waves.  So far this week, I had one kind of bad spell Wednesday night.  Sunday wasn't that great either.  Overall though, the nausea is very manageable this week, and I am so grateful for this.  The B-natal pops I bought seem to really help too.  Other symptoms -- a bit tired, weird taste in mouth, sore/swollen boobs, hunger.

New symptoms this week: Some shooting pains in my boobs one day.  Not sure if it was a freak thing or a symptom.
Maternity clothes: Not yet, but I am starting to have to unbutton my jeans to accomodate the first trimester bloat.
Sleep: Fairly well except I need to get up and pee once a night.  I also am having some really vivid dreams.
What I'm eating: Cereal and milk are my new friends.  It's the one thing that doesn't totally gross me out.  However, once I have a bowl, I find myself starving not even two hours later, and need to eat more.  Also, I have been having a hard time keeping plain water down, so am drinking a lot of juices and other fluids to compensate.

Cravings: None

Special pregnancy moments:  Telling my two closest girlfriends from church about the pregnancy.  I remember having them over for lunch at my house at the beginning of 2011, and telling them for the first time that my husband and I had been struggling to conceive the past year.  Since then, they have really supported me, asked me how I'm doing, prayed for me.  They were both so happy for me, and it was wonderful to be able to share this good news with them.  I was definitely worried about sharing the news so early in the pregnancy, but both of them knew that I was planning to start fertility treatments this fall.  They were bound to ask about that.  Plus, one of them had already noticed me missing some church the past couple of weeks.  I'm excited to be able to talk baby stuff with them now!

7 Weeks

Ok, I decided I'm going to start giving weekly updates.  I used to get kind of annoyed (sorry) when other pregnant IF bloggers did this, but now I get it.  It's a great journal to have and look back on.  So here we go...

Size of baby: Blueberry

Continuing symptoms: Nausea and vomiting flared up big time early in the week, which was bad timing considering we were trying to prepare for Hurricane Sandy.  However, starting Tuesday morning, I felt fine again, and have been feeling almost spry, dare I say it.  Otherwise, I notice I get tired in the early evening.  Breasts are still sore, swollen and getting bigger.  Some heartburn earlier in the week but I think it was because I was stupidly drinking OJ.

New symptoms this week: None

Maternity Clothes: Not yet, but I think I have the tiniest of bumps now, noticeable only to me.  I've been examining it all week, and I'm pretty sure it's more than just food bloat at this point.

Sleep: Fairly well.  I do find I wake more easily, whether it's because I can hear my husband still up working or because I need to use the bathroom.  Also, I have made a mental note to invest in one of those body pillows.  I am sleeping on my side now with an extra pillow tucked between my knees and that seems to help me sleep for some reason.

What I'm Eating: Whatever I can keep down to be honest.  The thought of food and eating in general is pretty unappetizing at the moment.  Because of that, I try to spend as little time as possible in the kitchen, which means cooking and food preparation is pretty much not happening.  I've been going out to eat most of the time, or having my husband fix me some simple snacks/meals.  I know that sounds terrible, but it's a chore just to keep food down many days.

Cravings: None whatsoever.

Special pregnancy moments: Going in for my second scan at 7w4d and seeing the baby's heart beating in its little chest.

It's Still Alive!

Scan 2 came and went very uneventfully. :)

Baby was measuring right on track at 7w4d.  Heartbeat was at 153 bpm.

Relief!

Especially since today and the two days prior, I have been experiencing minimal to no nausea.  (Yes, ironic, considering my nausea rant in my last post.)  In fact, today I feel great.  This would probably worry the heck out of me except for the scan today and seeing the heart beat on the screen.  That was such an incredible experience, watching that little thing jump up and down.

I have one more scan next Friday with my RE, and then I graduate to my ob/gyn.  I can't believe it.  With each scan, my worry abates just a little bit more, and I get a little bit closer to being able to enjoy the fact that I am pregnant.

And speaking of nausea, because I know it'll come back, I have ordered B-natal pops online.  They're supposed to be arriving today.  I am hoping I can combat the nausea all naturally, and am hoping that the Zofran I did take hasn't done any harm to the baby.

Thank you for all of your positive thoughts and prayers so far!

Getting Ready for Scan #2

Tomorrow I go back in for a second scan.  Hopefully everything is measuring on track.

Honestly, I am not as nervous as I was last time.  Probably because there was a heartbeat already.  But even more than that, nausea has been kicking my butt this past week.  It's a good sign that something is going on in there, I hope!

I was prescribed Zofran to take if I needed it.  It's a medication that is prescribed to cancer patients who are fighting nausea from chemo.  My RE assures me that it is totally safe; in fact, he encourages me to take it to "take the edge off."  I have taken about 4 pills since last week, only when I can't take the nausea anymore, and I am beating myself up/freaking out over it.

I have been Googling message boards (bad idea) and reading about women who think their babies' defects are a result of Zofran.  These ladies are saying that their babies were born without arms or other limbs, or that they were born with heart defects.  To be fair, as many women that say that, there are an equal number who said they popped them throughout their pregnancy and had perfectly healthy babies.

But then I start thinking about back to the 50s and 60s and how pregnant women drank and smoked all the time while they were pregnant.  In fact, a friend of mine, his mom was told by her doctor to smoke a cigarette a day to keep his weight down in the womb (she was prone to delivering very large babies).  Although doctors mean well, we know they're not infallible.

I am really trying to stay calm, and tell myself not to worry.  But it's hard not to.  And it's been hard not to take the medication, especially when I need it to get into work, or I can't keep food/fluids down otherwise.

In a way, this has been a good distraction from worrying about whether the baby is still alive or not in there...which is still a real worry of mine as well.  Guess we'll see what tomorrow yields.  I will keep you all posted.

Sigh of Relief

We had our first scan yesterday, and everything went great!

Cue big sigh of relief.

The baby was measuring right on track at 6w2d, and had a heartbeat of 114 bpm.  The doc said the heartbeat would get even stronger over time.  We have a follow-up scan next week.

I really can't believe this is happening sometimes.  I have such mixed feelings sometimes, almost like a survivor's guilt.  Like -- why me??  There are so many people who struggle for so much longer, go through so many more treatments, who don't get to where we are for a very long time, if ever.  We got off easy, all things considered.  I am extremely grateful for the Lord's goodness to me in this situation.

I also can't let myself be too happy yet.  I wonder all the time when I will let myself be happy, if I ever will during this pregnancy.  Or will I just worry all the way to the end?  I told myself after the first heartbeat, I would let myself be happy.  But now I'm saying, eight weeks.  I'm sure at eight weeks, I'll say once I hit the end of the first trimester.  Is this the curse of the infertile?  Sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Symptoms wise, I've hit the dread nausea phase.  It started this past week, and was horrible Saturday and Sunday (vomiting to the point where I'm just dry heaving because there is nothing left in my stomach, not even bile).  It calmed down earlier this week, and I broke down at the urging of my RE and took some Zofran yesterday for the nausea.  Aw, sweet relief.  I feel like such a bad and weak mommy, taking the meds, but they made such a difference.  Still, I'm trying to be grateful for even the nausea knowing that it means there is something going on inside of me, that the hormones are kicking up dust and doing their thing and allowing my baby to grow.

Other than that, my breasts and nipples are sore/tender still.  I have CRAZY pregnancy nose.  Everything smells so strongly.  When I open the fridge, I have to hold my breath because I would probably throw up otherwise.  I also have major food aversions.  Nothing sounds appetizing or appealing to me.  Nothing.  I can't think about or look at or smell food, for the most part.  And the weird thing is that I'm not hungry...but I do feel like I have a gaping emptiness in my stomach.  I know I need to fill it (because the nausea gets worse if I don't), but I have no appetite.

Experiencing some more tiredness, but nothing I would call fatigue.  I sleep somewhat fitfully at night.  I'll wake myself up with bouts of nausea, or cramping like I had last night, or need to pee.  Also, I notice my boobs are extra sore in the middle of the night.  I'm guessing my body is doing some major baby-building while I'm asleep.

My husband and I had broken the news already to our parents, so we were able to tell them yesterday that everything was progressing nicely.  We also had the chance to tell our siblings for the first time, and they were really stoked for us.

The best thing about the pregnancy so far has been the reaction of our families.  It has been so so unspeakably special to see the sheer joy and happiness on their faces.  I am really hoping I won't "let them down" by losing this baby.  I know it wouldn't be my fault, but I'm sure I would feel it was in some way.  I feel like I've been dealing with the letdown of infertility for a while, and that I'd be ok if something were to happen.  It would almost be expected.  But I couldn't bear to see the pain in my family's faces.

Anyway, I will try to think positive thoughts and enjoy each moment.  I wish you all the best wherever you are in your journey.

5w4d

I can't believe that's the title of my blog post.  I can't believe I'd ever be able to track my life in the weeks and days of a pregnant person.

I had two blood draws last week, both showing great hcg levels.  Next steps is the viability scan next Wednesday where we see if there is a heartbeat or not.

I am trying not to freak out too much about this.  I'm trying to stay calm, and tell myself that it is what it is.  That if this pregnancy doesn't work out, it was not my fault, it was a chromosomal issue, there was nothing I could do.  It truly is in the Lord's hands.

Still, I can't help walking around balancing that fine line between joy and terror.  Wondering if whatever is in there is dead or alive.

I remember one blogger writing last year about her pregnancy, about how the infertile is always waiting.  Even when she's pregnant, she's waiting for the pregnancy to progress or she's waiting for her baby to die.  I found it so morbid at the time, but I feel like I really understand it now.  It's a sad reality of the infertile, I guess.  It's the pallor you may never be able to fully shake off even when you get the long sought after BFP.

But again -- one day at a time.

I am trying to enjoy each day under the assumption that everything is progressing along fine.  I am even trying to enjoy all of the symptoms.  For me so far, it's been some breast tenderness, weird pains in my abdomen (not quite indigestion, but seeemingly associated with either hunger/fullness), increased thirst.  And the new one today is slight nausea.  I was hoping I would be able to dodge this bullet for a while longer, but this is probably the beginning of the worst of it.

The days just seem to be dragging until next Wednesday.  I feel like I'll be able to really move on -- be either really happy or really sad -- once I know where we stand with the heartbeat.

OMG I'm Pregnant

I don't know if anyone really reads this anymore, but I wanted to update you all.

I'm pregnant.

I know.  I can't believe it either.

I was basically waiting for my period to come at the end of September, so that we could start IUI in October.

I found out this past Friday.  I had woken up early to get some work on a personal project done.  I was a couple days away from getting my period and planning to visit my family that weekend.  I figured I would test so that those back-and-forth thoughts in my head ("Maybe I'm pregnant."  "I need to stop being delusional.  There's no way I'm pregnant.") could be vanquished once and for all.

I took one of those cheapie internet tests, but it was defective.  So I went downstairs, did a little work, and decided to test again.  I had a few more of those suckers left, so I figured why not?  The second one came back with just the faintest line.  So faint that I was sure I was imagining it.  I took my glasses off, put them back on.  Held the test up to the light, held it up to the window.  Turned it back and forth in my hand in case there was a glare.

But nope.  There was just the slightest line.

My heart pounding, I jumped into the car and raced to the drugstore where I bought two different types of digital tests, the kind that spell out "Pregnant" just so that there was no ambiguity.

At home, I took the one test, my hand shaking the entire time.  Wouldn't you know it?  It read, "Pregnant."

I shook my husband awake, who basically just stared at me in incomprehension for several seconds.  Finally, he gave me a high five and said, "Good job on saving us a couple thousand on fertility treatments."

I took a second digital test which read, "Yes+."  (And yes, there was indeed a plus symbol at the end of that yes in case you were in doubt.)

I absolutely could not and cannot believe it.

I had a blood test on Monday and today.  My HCG levels are great (314.4 on Monday and 725.3 today), which is what you want -- HCG should basically double every two days.

Next step is the ultrasound scan to detect a heartbeat, scheduled for October 24.  I know it's still very early on (I'm about 4w3d by my count) and we're not out of the woods yet, but I can't help rejoicing.

There were times where I truly doubted that I would be able to say that I (me?!), that I'm pregnant!  I have never been here before, so this is exciting.  I'm trying to take it one day at a time and celebrate each small milestone, whether or not this pregnant ultimately ends up progressing.

For now, I am truly grateful and humbled.

October is Almost Here

...and the countdown to IUI will begin shortly.

I am not even counting this month as a possibility although we are trying on our own.  Technically, I'm ovulating right about now.  But it hasn't worked for us these past several years.  I don't see a reason to start hoping now that we will get pregnant.

But that darned hope...it always wants to rear its head.  I am on thyroid medication, and part of me is wondering if that's what I need in order to get pregnant on my own.  Trying not to get my hopes up because they have been beat down very quickly whenever I have allowed them to.

Given this timing, I should be starting the IUI process in another two weeks.

Yikes.  I can't believe this is going to be happening.

If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, and I'm not sure if I want to move onto IVF, at least not right away.  My husband and I are contemplating a cross-country move, and I think we would tackle that first before we would tackle IVF.

Yeah, that's the thing.  We're thinking of making a big move in our lives, really uprooting ourselves and flipping our worlds upside down.  But the unknown is whether or not we will be able to get pregnant.  If we do, we will probably stick around this area for a while for the insurance benefits (because who knows if/when I'll get a job out there, and what the health/maternity benefits would look like).  I am more ok with staying put, but my husband is really itching to go.  Part of me is scared that I'm holding him back, that the idea of a baby is holding him back, and that he doesn't really want to get pregnant.  Part of me doesn't want to get pregnant either.  If you can believe that, I am feeling ambivalent now about the whole matter.  I see how much easier life would be if we didn't have to figure out the logistics of having a kid.  How ironic is that.

We've tried seeing each scenario to its logical conclusion.  Get pregnant now and then deal with moving cross country with a baby -- not easy.  Wait to get pregnant, move, and then try to get pregnant a year or two older than I already am -- not ideal.  We're thinking ourselves into knots and getting more and more angst about it the more we think about it.  I think it's true that there is never a good time, so I say we go for it now.

It just goes to show that nothing on this earth will ever make us happy.  As an infertile, I feel like I'm chasing the mantle of motherhood.  But when I get it, will it complete me or make me happy forever?  I doubt it.  It reminds me that nothing can satisfy except the Lord Himself.  While my mind believes that, my heart doesn't.  My heart is telling me I will be happy if I have a baby.

Please God, help my unbelief.

Let's Get This Show On the Road

I finally have some news to report.

After trying on our own for several more months on the Chinese herbs, and then stopping that and just trying on our own, we have decided to move on to Clomid + IUI.

I am disappointed that the Chinese herbs didn't work.  I wonder if maybe I just didn't take them for long enough (the doctor thought I had some serious issues).  Or maybe it was because DH refused to take them with me, and he's 50% of the issue.  I guess you can always look back and wonder, but I'm trying to move forward, not backward.

I had also hoped that we might get pregnant on our own since DH's count was now in the well-above normal range.  But that was not to be either.

So here we are, actually giving the fertility treatments a go.  I don't know why it's such a big deal to me.  So many folks have jumped right into treatments and it's worked just fine for them.  But for me, I guess it symbolizes some sort of failing in us to do what so many people seem to do quite naturally and without issue.

But even more than that, it's me finally resorting to "our last ditch effort."  And this scares me because if this doesn't work, then we have nothing left.  And then I will be finally faced with a life far different than what I had imagined and hoped and dreamed of ever since I was little. It's too scary to contemplate, so I won't for now.  One step at a time.

Anyway, I went to my RE at the end of August, and we figured out a plan, plus I had some blood work done.

Let's talk about the blood work.  I thought I had no issues, fit as a whistle.  I'd had a physical already in May and there were no problems except for low Vitamin D which is common.  Turns out I have issues with high cholesterol (including high bad cholesterol), slightly under active thyroid, and being pre-diabetic.  WTF?  It would have been nice if my regular doctor had mentioned these issues!  My RE assured me that these are not issues to be concerned with because they tend to be stricter on people trying to get pregnant than people who aren't (which is probably why my regular doctor didn't mention these things to me).  But I'm not gonna lie -- I'm worried.

He has put me on some thyroid meds, and I'm meeting with a nutritionist at the clinic to help with my other issues.  Because of these issues, we decided to push off starting the IUI's until October.  (We were originally scheduled to start in September.)

Part of me is relieved because I really don't want to do treatments just yet, and part of me is just itching to get going.

For now, I'm working with Dr. Google to strengthen my diet and help me with the cholesterol and diabetes issues.  But it's frustrating.  I became a vegetarian four months ago, and I think I eat a pretty healthy diet as it is.  I don't know what more I can do!

Stay tuned for more to come.

Thinking Ahead

I reached out to my RE today to see what his thoughts are on a natural IUI.  My Chinese medicine doctor (Dr. S) advised me to go down this route, even right away if I wanted.  He said there was no reason to wait.

This was sort of encouraging to hear.  Our plan has always been to pursue IUI once my health was in good shape according to Dr. S.  However, one of the things he did emphasize was the fact that the IUI be natural -- no ovulation induction drugs like Clomid.  He feels like this is very damaging to the body's health.

My next question to Dr. S was -- well, my periods are irregular, so how would we be able to time the IUI without the drugs?  He said was that the trigger shot is ok to do, and a small pay-off to help the sperm get to where they need to be.  One of the things he speculated was that perhaps since my husband has been working very hard and been very stressed out as of late, that his sperm might be having a hard time getting where they need to go.  So IUI might help us.

By the way, my irregular/long cycles are one of the things we're working on together.  I'm hoping to get my periods to a beautiful 28-29 day cycle.  Right now, they're on the long side, between an average of 33 to 39 days.  I've been taking Chinese herbs for about two cycles.  My first cycle was 36 days long (typical for me).  My second and most recent cycle was 30 days long, which is quite a miracle for me.  I am hopeful that the next few cycles will keep trending towards 28-30 days.

It's funny how before I was TTC, I loved my long cycles because it meant I dealt with my period less, and now they can't come frequently enough!

That's the latest scoop.  I am thinking that if we're not pregnant by May/June, we will pursue natural IUI at this point.  My husband has a huge project he's finishing in March (hopefully), and then we'll have a month or two after that to recover and maybe try to get pregnant on our own.  Also, by that time, I'll hopefully be much healthier according to Dr. S.  And then any IUI we tried would only have that much more of a chance of being successful.

So while we aren't pregnant yet, it does feel good to have a plan in place.  I guess that's all I can ask for for now.

Sorry It's Been So Freaking Long

I've been struggling to post, as you can tell.  No, it's not that I'm pregnant and have abandoned this blog in my euphoria (I wish).  Just not much to talk about.

Oh, except that my husband's sperm is now off the charts!  Take a look at the stats to your right.  He had his varicocelectomy last March, and nearly a year later, his urologist has declared him in the normal/average range of sperm count!  It has truly been God's blessing that he went from 6 million per cc to 72 million per cc, from 20% motility to 75% motility.  His doctor and our RE have both said that they've hardly ever seen improvement this good.

So while I don't want to downplay that, the other end of the spectrum is...we're still not pregnant.

It's hard for me to process the dichotomy between my husband's good news and our lack of baby.  It makes me wonder -- what's wrong with us?

It could be that nothing is wrong.  Even "normal" couples have a 10% - 15% chance of getting pregnant each cycle at our age.

But according to my doctor of Chinese medicine (who is actually a white Jewish man, funny enough), he believes that there is something wrong me.

So let me get you caught up here.  I've been seeing this doc for about two months now, taking herbs daily, no acupuncture (according to him, herbs are 90% of the treatment and acupuncture 10%).  After checking my pulse and tongue, he has declared me deficient in the Ying state of things.  Some of my symptoms are that I'm always tired and cold, my heartbeat is faint and erratic, and my tongue doesn't look healthy.  He believes that the herbs will help bring up my overall health which will help me to get pregnant.

I am a mix of skeptic and believer.  I will say that since I've been taking the herbs, I've felt 10 times more energetic than normal.  I also don't feel so cold all the time.  I didn't realize that my state of being before wasn't normal because I'd lived with it for so long.  It has been amazing to feel better overall, and even if I don't get pregnant from the herbs, I'm just thankful for how they have boosted my overall sense of well being.

So that's where we are, my friends.  Generally speaking, I will say that I've been feeling more positive than I was this time last year.  I just have this feeling that deep down, this journey is coming to an end for me soon.  I'm closing out Year 2 of infertility in another month, and if you look at the other infertiles I've been following, the general window of trying is about 3 years before they succeed.

I can't help but feel that this year is going to be my year.  I pray it for myself and for you too, my fellow infertiles.